Thoughts Away!

 

Grabbing some of them positive thoughts this morning. End of the semester and I think I got more A's. Pretty proud of myself. I actually found what I am good at, I think. It is interesting to think that back in HS I was good at stuff like this also but I just got accepted as a friend more into the art community so that's the way I went. I was never that good at art stuff, but thinking back I was really good at science stuff. Art did help me cope for awhile until it kinda didn't. You have to be a salesman to be an artist. I am NOT! And although I will also not be good on selling climate change or the environment I can still go out in the fields and woods and do fun sciencey stuff. The above pic of this Eddy covariance flux tower is the instrument that measures CO2 in our atmosphere. I think it is neat. Even though I am interested in all this I still like to draw occasionally. I would like to get another tissue of BRM out soon with all the stuff I have learned in school. So much butt stuff in biology! BOLOL! 

As far as my therapy and new meds...I think it is going to be an interesting experience moving forward. I will soon get to the point where I can be around people that don't want to hear my problems again. I guess that is my niche in society, I noticed. That whenever I hang out with people they have to be basic level- acquaintances- since basically that is what most of them have been. The type where I get to listen to their problems and just maybe say a few basic comforting words. Kinda like how I am treated? BOL! No, people usually tell me they don't want to hear it or they shut me down with their WAYYY worse problems and making me feel like I don't matter to them. People just like to talk at me, I noticed. And many times they like to say shit to sort of throw me off to make me feel like I don't know what the fuck is going on. That tends to happen whenever I am excited about talking about anything. Like school- I often get shut down or made to feel like crap if I talk about that, too, bol. It is interesting power plays humans have. The immense egos so that I can't possibly know anything cuz- ya know....other people all know better than me! Doesn't do much for my self esteem- so, I always feel sucky around people since I place everyone else on this pedestal of knowing more than me. Doesn't help in the suicidal thoughts department...always being made to feel inferior. Afterall, it is an ultra competitive world! I must be crushed or made into everyone elses' servant, huh? That makes me feel like killing myself some days. I just can't help it. I have had a few offers of help but some don't feel right or most don't- especially since they have not really wanted to be that close of friends before and were never really anyone I have ever felt I can go to with my problems. It is weird looking back over myself and my friendships over the years and how really most were just acquaintances I did stuff for from helping move, to listening to them bitch about work and relationships, to giving them $$ (for their electric bill-they would say, bol)- so much $$ I gave and my time and my SPACE! And the only time I could bitch about my problems was if I provided a space and drugs and booze or so it seemed. Most partners would even tell me to stfu about it, too. I had nowhere and no one after I went sober, it seemed. Even now, I get people that just come up to me that I hardly know and they unload all their problems on me. I find myself saying "sorry you are going through that" quite often. And that I better not talk about anything about myself at all. My niche- where I better just be someone else's fixture to yell at. I better be someone who can take being put down because I never give enough time or $$. And people are constantly pushing to just make me a shell of a servant to them. 

It is so weird how much people want to push the people they know as in need on me. They think that it is best I take in their friend(s) of whom Idk in and take care of them now when I feel so unstable!? It is so weird. Especially when they have a house that they own and all- so weird! These people who don't know me are really trying hard to get me to have tons of room mates even though I can hardly take care of myself anymore. I guess it is funny to them to make me homeless along with my partner? Ya, I am beginning to think maybe I never had any real friends at all....no, I get mad and should not say that. I do have some good friends who have stuck through my crap! I just feels so mad lately and I mean many friends have made me feel guilty for not doing enough so....what kind of friends are those anyways? Always making me feel bad about myself. Why dwell on those people? Only think about the good friends who have been there and not shoved me aside as being "inferior" in problems and the way I am. Friends are supposed to make you feel good about yourself.

Crash Outsider

 Welp. don't think I will be getting any sleep tonight. Seeing the documentary I saw earlier really got my head realin. Thoughts about my parent's fighting it really stirred up. I thought a few times my mom would wind up dead or my brother.. or even myself. That look on step dad's face- "YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT!!". Ya, I sure was gaslit a lot! I had a good cry. Had me thinking about a lot with my mother and her journey. How she grew up so abused and tossed around. It's so sad how there are people that prey on the vulnerable so much. It makes it hard to trust anyone. My mother's story is so far away. Everyone's story is so different yet the same. My emotions make me feel crazy. Like this society has no room for someone as emotional as me. There is so much...the thoughts of that friend of my mom...of whom I never met. That was weird af. So, this lady never gave me the time of day when I was with my mom as a kid and wanted to talk to me after mom died? I never even knew about her til a few years before mom died. It is so hard trying to be strong about all this. I can't talk to anyone really. Trying to solve other people's problems to bury my own doesn't work at all anymore. But I have such guilt about this. Maybe I should keep trying to live that way. Just buried in other people's problems I will never be able to solve and then have them pile more on me and make me crushed into the ground and without anything left. All to 'see how I fight'. Like the giant guinea pig that I am. See me fight like a nobody. Win-lose-win-lose...trying not to call myself a loser is so hard. How to gain confidence. For some of us it is harder than others. I just thought about the various people who have told me to "go ahead and kill myself!". I can't believe I am still here after those times!

Pea Sprouts and Madness

 I did want to post pics of my pea sprouts today, but I need to organize my pics first and all that. I was just punching myself in the head a couple minutes ago, but now I have calmed down by thinking about the peas I planted. I am excited that a couple have germinated so far! But alas this morning I was pretty sad about things and felt like a wicked dumby about existing. I guess I was sitting through about two hours of the same old media crap about the same old gross people. Maybe I will come back later and bitch more.

Bitch Bitch bitch! Everyone hates to hear me bitch! I am so annoying to others when I hang out. Hanging out? Idk anymore. I think I get annoyed hanging out with people for more than an hour these days. Just sitting there and listening to other people's more important problems can wear on ya, I guess. Of course, that depends on my mood. I think I am just exhausted with all the crap lately and real moody. Sometimes I ask myself how I even still have any friends. I can't keep up with everyone else's problems enough or even my own!

Bawk Around! Could it be?

 Wow! Another semester down and let's hope I can graduate soon. Try'n not to let other things bother me about trying to get an education. Like how addicted I am to good grades now when to everyone else that sort of talk is trivial. I taint their kid, bol! No, but contending with the old guilt is a rough balls along with the way the world is going now. Guilt of what? That I should have just never moved from where I was born? My mom dying and her not wanting me to talk to my brother? There is a lot I am learning about my mother's behaviors through this new therapist. She really gets to the point. Like I had to ask about all the weird little lies she planted on us. The odd ones that seemed to cause some drama and arguments. Because the information isn't really all that unimportant and has caused some issues with me in my life. Maybe I will come back later and talk about this but it has been more enlightening to know why these weird seemingly little lies have caused some pain in my life. It is even harder to explain, too, so why do I even bother. "Nobody wants to hear that shit" right? It's good to write some of it out here instead of bogging people in my life down about it. I just hope no one is really reading this crap. I mean it says some people have, which is odd. I did put the adult warning on it. I guess if I really wanted privacy I could write a .doc right? Why do I need to write this out even? Why not find another outlet? All these thoughts and more later on fart tv.

Kid Stuff, Science and my 6th Grade Science teacher

 I was just pondering way too much this morning, ass usual. Pondering about whenever my therapist asks about my support system, my childhood and friendships over the years along with my self esteem. I have never been charismatic when it comes to relationships with people. I was hated as a kid- and often hit and called names by other kids and to adults(even my parents) I was really annoying. No one seemed to want me around. So, I spent A LOT of time around nature and animals. I loved watching spiders in the grass (I recall a big yellow spider being one of King Squeaky and I's best friends in our grassland field castle. Those times were wonderous. I could get away from people that way and heal. I didn't know it then but I think that is how I survived my childhood. 

6th Grade was a time of change for me. This smelly kid who wore hand-me-downs from the 60s and 70s was actually getting straight A's in science. I was blowing the teacher's minds! BOLOL! They wanted me to be dumb because I was poor and smelly! But no, my 6th grade science teacher was actually a decent human being looking back at him! Most of the teachers got in digs and often brushed me off and I would even go as far as say they were cruel!! Like my kinder garden teacher she locked me out of the classroom after recess! Wpw! Thinking about that now I was a kid and I blamed myself for that cuz I was so spaced out climbing the top of a snowbank I didn't notice anyone was gone or the teacher yelling or anything! I was crawling the top of that snowbank so I know they saw me up there! I was not hidden! They chose not to come get me and they LOCKED me out of the classroom even! When I had realized I was outside alone I went and knocked on the classroom door and no one answered for what felt like forever to my 5yo mind! I was 5 fucking years old for fucks sake! But no- the gaslighting of how bad I was as a kid really took its toll on me! There was various SA occurrences around this time. too, not at school but with adults and teen babysitters. People loved messing with this little kid here and it sucked! Anyways, the teacher was at least trying with me! He saw something no one else had and was trying to encourage me but no one else was! My step-dad almost punched that teacher during a parent-teacher meeting for saying I was "socially behind". I didn't know what that meant and when I found out I still didn't understand it and thought it was stupid! Yes, down on myself me thought that was "stupid" for once and not myself! BOLOL! Gawd my parents were triggered! I think they might have beat me soon after that. They wanted me to do good in school but they didn't. It was very confusing. But no, I understand now that being "socially behind" was a bad look on their parenting and that made them angry! They didn't like having to spend money on the things that would help me be more socially acceptable. Looking back I see why the other kids hated me....I didn't have the coolest new toys or the hippest attire! It is weird how much capitalism really causes some terrible shit to happen to kids. I was bullied at one point to where I thought I may die....going to school...I had to since it was better than staying home...I would get on that bus and every morning no one on the bus wanted me to sit with them- they would shove me out of the seats and spit on me screaming insults at me and calling me names. And the bus driver would yell at me, too, to sit down or we wouldn't go! So every morning I would cry and cry and cry on my way to school! One time while living at this same house (O living here was almost the worst shit ever to happen to me)- I didn't have much clothes and I usually had to get myself ready for school at this point and my mom went off on me for wearing my only clean clothes! It was bad. Idk...my hands are tired. and I need to get my cool lab hmwrk done now! Maybe more later. Venting out a little too much!

The Professor is Alright and so is ButtRag

Might as well put up the new ButtRagMag cover here also. I want to get this done this year. I think it is #15, butt I should go through my archives to see. Everything is all jumbled up and stuff and I don't recall where the Bonerators left off either. So, that comic may have to doo something else in this tissue. Like a short ad or interview might be what I will do with those characters. We'll see. Got a lot of other material for this tissue anyways. Gonna see how this tissue fairs here. Afterall, part of the fun of this zine is putting it in bar bathrooms anonymously. So, it is purely an expression of love and madness! BOLOLOL! I am excited to put all the new material in there and this weekend write up the intro or editor's note. I need to work on my lab for my ecology today and tomorrow (which is also fun)! I am liking that I am finding more ButtRag material through school! Oof I just let a big stinker! BOLOLOL! It has been quite a journey! 

    O and boy am I glad I wrote the email to the professor. He replied and said some very insightful things. He did admit that he was trying something to get me to engage more or to try to get others to engage, too, and that it sometimes does not work. No, I understand why some teachers do things, but when you got anxiety and all it can be a bit weird. It is true not many people speak up in lectures and all. Do we all have anxiety? Maybe so. There are only about 5 of us in a class of about 70 that speak out and ask questions. Nobody else cares to say that something must be wrong with them for not asking questions, right? Afterall, if we all asked questions there wouldn't be time for the professor to lecture! But I feel sad that the last two lectures he didn't ask us questions at all or even take the time to ask us if we had any. I hope that is not because of me and my dang email! I think I will go have a look at my reply again (o no, here I go again- maybe a spiral). I hope I didn't sound to mean or whatnot, bol. I often make shit worse when I speak of these things....bol.

 

Professors, messing with and ecology

 https://youtu.be/kSctr0aQOso?si=k-X5F4GIzDxtrlUD

So, I just got done writing an email to my ecology professor about what happened in class the other day. I really try to keep this "sensitive" shit to myself these days because "no one wants to hear it" but I just couldn't get over this- even if I am proven wrong for feeling this way- ass usual, bol! So, the other day in class there were presentations and after each there are questions and I went ahead and forced myself to ask one even with terrible anxiety. Part of it was also because no one else was asking questions either. So, I asked how they- the presenters- felt about beavers in the desert. This was because I had watched a video similar to the one above and it had popped in my head. So, I went ahead and asked how they felt about beavers in the desert. What got me about this and looking back on it all was that not only did one guy who was in the group presenting say "there are no trees in the desert" but also the professor. So, I sat there choking a bit with anxiety with my brain having the files flying looking for the answer to my questions about the videos I had watched on the matter....and I got out a little squeak of an "ok" in acceptance of both their answers that they both seemed to repeat 3 or 4 times to me! It was really weird! I felt so crazy! And I felt even crazier after coming home and finding the videos. When I googled there was 100s of articles and videos that came up on this matter even! So, I rewatched a few and yup, I wasn't "IMAGINING IT"! BOLOL! So, I got a bit upset by this. But then was like "well, it should be water under the bridge- I got the location of this wrong in my head anyways and all ...." trying to justify not writing the email still. BUT THEN....BUT THEN BOLOLOL! I was going over the slides for the quiz and low and behold there was a slide on TREES IN THE DESERT!!! FROM THAT PRESENTATION! I felt even DUMBER for accepting their answer! But not only that- thinking of this now- the person who made that slide for that presentation didn't even correct the guy in their group for answering the way he did nor did the professor! Were they all messing with me? Do they not respect me enough to give me even a thought of giving me the right answer in front of anyone? Does everyone in the class want me to be a fool? I mean they ALL saw the slide on desert trees and didn't say anything? I am so beside myself right now! I feel so crazy about this and really I shouldn't? I guess I am glad I got google blogger so I don't make anyone mad on fb writing shit like this there. No one wants to read this! BOLOL! But ya, there ARE trees in the desert and there has been beavers in the desert, too! I am just so beside myself now! It makes me wish I could where a t-shirt to the next class saying "there are no trees in the desert". So, I am still trying really hard to deal with how people mess with me but I really wasn't expecting being messed with like that in front of the whole class. It really felt inappropriate actually. Now maybe some kids in class might not know they were messing with me either...maybe? They also think there are no desert willows or cottonwoods in the desert now because the right answer was never brought up! So weird the extent people will go to to make me feel so dumb it is weird!!! Is it the white boy snow flake thing or what? A women with a certain look and age MUST be fucked with in class I guess! Like really? I am beside myself. So, let's see if he even answers my email or if he is going to make me feel worse for writing it! What kind of scientists are out there? Will I be able to fit in the ecology world? Or am I just too stupid for any job out there? Was I just supposed to stay in my home town and marry one of my cousins and pop out 5-10 kids like the current regime makes me feel that is what we are going back to. I better just suck it up and carry on with a smile that I will always be messed with by people due to the way I look. People just can't help themselves. I often have to force myself to be out there even if it mean people want to make me uncomfortable. 

O mahn I just had a thought about something that made me laugh so hard. What if I just come into next class dressed like a ho? Just let the puppies hang the fuck on out and let everyone gossip their little hearts out! Hey, if I am going to be disrespected like I am a ho I might as well dress like one, huh? Really disrupt the class! Bah...probably backfire somehow, like anything I do seems to. Probably best to just let this sit until my next appt with my councilor. Just had to get this out now. Like damn do I feel so weird and dumb right now with feelings!

Meds and Forgettful

 Dang it! I forgot to take my meds again lastnight! Geeebis! Well, I guess that is the problem I always seem to have with having to take meds. Ya, let's hope I can remember later. I don't want to take them in the morning since they can make you sleepy, but maybe I should since I wake up so early? Today is a social event to attend, too. And I was hoping to be up on my social game. When have I ever been up on my social game? BOL! Alright, cut out the self downing humor! Oof I just let a stinky and loud fart! Weee! The joys of getting old. I should work on the next ButtRag this weekend along with my ecology hmwrk- I can think of it as my own homework of fun! It's all fun! Trying to have fun! 

It's been getting hotter out. March had some record breaking temps. This morning, though, pretty cold and close to freezing. I should keep this in my weather journal. I need to keep one better, maybe write in that everyday. There's been some serious tornado action in the midwest this month, too. The NE was super cold all winter due to the polar vortex hovering over it til maybe about a week ago it seemed to warm up over there finally. I feel bad I didn't send my friend, Arica her sweatshirt present until like mid March my brain was so scattered after the FL trip I just threw everything in the closet and didn't know right from down. It was so hard to get the stuff I needed to get done - my brain was just on overdrive about all the personal family stuff. I feel guilty and selfish dealing with all these feelings all the time. It is so hard to be around people some days. I do put myself out there, though, and I am getting better at dealing with social situations, I think. Idk...I try. I just seem to sabotage myself sometimes. Say or do stupid things like they are a knee jerk reaction. The ones that really make me laugh now are the people that get mad when I compliment them. I laugh now about that lady that I disappointed so bad when I complimented her on her shades! Her face just turned down so much into almost anger about it. It was weird cuz this couple was like kinda hovering around and saying "hi" whenever I was having to run to work and school and seemingly wanting to make friends with me. So, one day they caught me with more time while James and I were having a fun day out. I said that and after that that couple looked at me with scowls even and avoided me! HAAAA! I guess that's all I gotta do to make ppl hate me is compliment them! Ya, I can't be around people like that. I kinda didn't want a redneck, white normie friend anyways HA! Look at me write here...so much farts! Let's see if I can get on with my day now. 

Mental Update

Welp, the other night I already forgot a dose and I didn't like yesterday's side effects. Boy, was I trying hard on the bus yesterday not to get in the "wanting to kill myself" mode. It seemed like the meds were doing good about that for the few days I was consistent. The suicidal thoughts were almost non existent for a few days! Whoow! There is a little bit this morning but I am getting over it. I hope. I will try to not miss anymore. Working on my confidence is hard....very hard. But my new therapist has been so cool. I saw a psychiatrist the other week and he made sure to let me know that I am believed and heard in the most sincere way. The psychiatrist prescribes me my meds. It was so hard than day since I had just seen an artcle on Bluesky about my stepgrandpa passing away- and he was the one that had SAd me at 5yo. I thought he died forever ago. I didn't dare write a comment about the sexual assault on the article due to blow back but I saw an article on SA and commented there about how unsafe I would feel commenting about it on the article. It was weird people shared it. But at least one person said they were sorry I went through that. Some days it is so hard to bare the brunt of what I carry. Those harsh memories. I guess I see why I feel so worthless all the time. It is going to be hard talking about some of this stuff. I mean- 'friends' didn't want to "hear it" for so long when I just wanted to come out with some of the 'minor' abuses as a test to see who I could talk to about this- so, ya know, I don't like this weird "COMPETITIVE" shit about who got treated worse when coming out with these problems. It just feels soooo gross to really? ONE UP on abusive experiences! So fucking gross! What usually happens to me is that I can't talk anymore about what happened to me and my throat starts closing. I think that is why I feel so weird about most of my past friendships now. I always felt I had to spend 110% of my energy being careful not to talk about my childhood or anything that might make people tell me to "stfu about that". It's weird how much that reminds me of my abusive parents when people say that to me or forms of it like when someone I did consider close said "no one wants to hear that". This pain I carry everyday about how to not to inconvenience 'friends' with my problems is a tough one. Now it just seems like I was never "worthy" enough to these people to take care of my problems. That my pain was "fake" to them and really I was just someone to use. Not everyone feels like a user...I still have a couple friends that listen to me here and there. I am like "I must be so selfish trying to take care of my brain problems and issues- am I?" is there a border on how much you can take care of yourself? It seems like there is when it comes to me. I gotta keep putting myself out there so people can dis and put me down and have someone to fuck with, I guess. Seems like my whole life. Now, time to stop dwelling on those that I no longer fit well on their "agenda"(god I hate that word so much- why?). Time to turn up the "tough"!? BOLOLOLOL! Gawd I hate that, too! I already consider myself tough for living as long as I have. Weel, let's see what I can get done today- didn't work much on ButtRag the other day butt whatever. Praise myself for being alive!

Evo Eco Disturbo

 

The many different things to write about tonight. I guess I better take my first anti depressant tonight. Well, I am not just getting back on an antidepressant but trying a different kind. This will be the third kind I will be trying. I just took it and will be monitoring here how it goes over the next month. I will give it a month. The last one I only gave 4 days because it made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack or something. My felt like my heart was beating faster. That does occur when I get anxious, too. Been trying to figure out a lot these past years. Jumping from sobriety to a total change in work to going to school deciding I would do better to help the environment than just feeling sad with myself running to cry in the bathroom every time I work a shift down at the local huge corpsepoorate restaurant chain or even just working the dining at the university. Now I don't cry as often when studying ecology! The picture above was what I saw when in the bathroom at school one day. It made me smile. Ransom for the a-hole in chief and a cute sticky note to help students feeling overwhelmed. I think that is what I like about school- the unexpected support from people I don't know. One day I came out of a class stressed thinking I was behind on studying for my exam when bam! Someone handed me a card and a granola bar saying that they understood the pressures and hope I am doing ok. The card had some information for help by offering counseling for stress. The lady who handed it to me was all smiles. This did help. It has been such a rollercoaster. School and then also thinking about my artistic endeavors. When stuff like the pic above happens I think of what to put in the new tissue of ButtRag, of course! So, much new material for the new rag has been piling on since I been going to school, too. I think I really may get a move on the new tissue tomorrow. I got the cover done. A lot of school stuff will be in there. Yup, turns out a lot of environmental stuff has butt stuff going on, BOL! I really can't believe I am a junior at a university still! O and I just thought of how I may do a map of the bathrooms on campus for BRM! BOL! That could be fun! What list for stuff to go in new BRM

1-New bathroom pics- organize to put on pages

2-Deuterostome- the first gastro opening of an organism-anus first

3-Turtles and anal breathing

4-editor's note- Bully and the mental health ect 

5-Bonerators-maybe just do an interview instead of adventure-need to look back at previous issue

Don't want to make it too long so- that looks good. It would be nice to have this out sooner than later.

Mental Health and Social Health

 
What the fuck have I been doing? Well, I got sober for 1! BOL! And boy, has my brain had a hard time adjusting. I just looked at my 'about me' and quite a bit has changed. I have not been delving in the arts as much as I have been the sciences now. Blame it on me wanting some power over my childhood or something like that. I have been getting therapy for my depression and anxiety. It is really hard for me to be around people sober, but I do it. I just always prepare myself for the worst because I seem to attract drama. I am just keep telling myself to prepare myself for people to want to say mean things to make me uncomfortable. I think instead of freezing next time I could try wiggling and jerking about with my discomfort to make everyone else as uncomfortable as me? Nah...I don't really have control over what I do when the anxiety monster strikes anyways. I wish I would burst out in uncontrollable laughter sometimes. I think sometimes I have. 

Anyways, that's enough about that. What about these drawings here? Had to post my drawing of camp as much as I could remember. A place I lived and loved as a child and not necessarily because of the people. I know, what a jerk I am, huh? But there's a reason for that...because most people did not like me. Why? I don't really know actually, but when I was a kid I thought I was bad because no one really liked me so I spent large amounts of time in the woods away from people. People were always fighting and wanting to beat me up it seemed. Thinking back on it all as an adult I know really what it was...I was poor...the dirty kid. The kid who liked to play in the dirt and not take showers. I guess the booze really did its work to help keep some of this crap at bay til it couldn't anymore. Speaking of crap- I went ahead and looked through an old sketchbook the other day and had to grab an old BRM ad to put up somewhere. Might as well be here. I need to come back to posting here. Where I can complain about anything I want and maybe be less fckd with here than the other social media platforms. Part of my brain issues, I guess. Hey, I haven't even written about my college journey here, yet. Boy! O BOY! I really can't believe I am a geography major with a biology minor! What am I thinking? Well, when I get down on myself now or when I am out with ppl who slide in those insults I just think....well, at least I am mostly a straight A student as of right now. Uh-o- let's hope I didn't jinx myself. I am getting worn down from it and people have been so weird since I have made this choice, but it IS quite an experience I am liking! More than I thought! And since not a whole lot of people in my friend group is all that into nature- I will be coming here to post about it more, I think. Alright- that's enough for now.