Mental Update

Welp, the other night I already forgot a dose and I didn't like yesterday's side effects. Boy, was I trying hard on the bus yesterday not to get in the "wanting to kill myself" mode. It seemed like the meds were doing good about that for the few days I was consistent. The suicidal thoughts were almost non existent for a few days! Whoow! There is a little bit this morning but I am getting over it. I hope. I will try to not miss anymore. Working on my confidence is hard....very hard. But my new therapist has been so cool. I saw a psychiatrist the other week and he made sure to let me know that I am believed and heard in the most sincere way. The psychiatrist prescribes me my meds. It was so hard than day since I had just seen an artcle on Bluesky about my stepgrandpa passing away- and he was the one that had SAd me at 5yo. I thought he died forever ago. I didn't dare write a comment about the sexual assault on the article due to blow back but I saw an article on SA and commented there about how unsafe I would feel commenting about it on the article. It was weird people shared it. But at least one person said they were sorry I went through that. Some days it is so hard to bare the brunt of what I carry. Those harsh memories. I guess I see why I feel so worthless all the time. It is going to be hard talking about some of this stuff. I mean- 'friends' didn't want to "hear it" for so long when I just wanted to come out with some of the 'minor' abuses as a test to see who I could talk to about this- so, ya know, I don't like this weird "COMPETITIVE" shit about who got treated worse when coming out with these problems. It just feels soooo gross to really? ONE UP on abusive experiences! So fucking gross! What usually happens to me is that I can't talk anymore about what happened to me and my throat starts closing. I think that is why I feel so weird about most of my past friendships now. I always felt I had to spend 110% of my energy being careful not to talk about my childhood or anything that might make people tell me to "stfu about that". It's weird how much that reminds me of my abusive parents when people say that to me or forms of it like when someone I did consider close said "no one wants to hear that". This pain I carry everyday about how to not to inconvenience 'friends' with my problems is a tough one. Now it just seems like I was never "worthy" enough to these people to take care of my problems. That my pain was "fake" to them and really I was just someone to use. Not everyone feels like a user...I still have a couple friends that listen to me here and there. I am like "I must be so selfish trying to take care of my brain problems and issues- am I?" is there a border on how much you can take care of yourself? It seems like there is when it comes to me. I gotta keep putting myself out there so people can dis and put me down and have someone to fuck with, I guess. Seems like my whole life. Now, time to stop dwelling on those that I no longer fit well on their "agenda"(god I hate that word so much- why?). Time to turn up the "tough"!? BOLOLOLOL! Gawd I hate that, too! I already consider myself tough for living as long as I have. Weel, let's see what I can get done today- didn't work much on ButtRag the other day butt whatever. Praise myself for being alive!