Kid Stuff, Science and my 6th Grade Science teacher

 I was just pondering way too much this morning, ass usual. Pondering about whenever my therapist asks about my support system, my childhood and friendships over the years along with my self esteem. I have never been charismatic when it comes to relationships with people. I was hated as a kid- and often hit and called names by other kids and to adults(even my parents) I was really annoying. No one seemed to want me around. So, I spent A LOT of time around nature and animals. I loved watching spiders in the grass (I recall a big yellow spider being one of King Squeaky and I's best friends in our grassland field castle. Those times were wonderous. I could get away from people that way and heal. I didn't know it then but I think that is how I survived my childhood. 

6th Grade was a time of change for me. This smelly kid who wore hand-me-downs from the 60s and 70s was actually getting straight A's in science. I was blowing the teacher's minds! BOLOL! They wanted me to be dumb because I was poor and smelly! But no, my 6th grade science teacher was actually a decent human being looking back at him! Most of the teachers got in digs and often brushed me off and I would even go as far as say they were cruel!! Like my kinder garden teacher she locked me out of the classroom after recess! Wpw! Thinking about that now I was a kid and I blamed myself for that cuz I was so spaced out climbing the top of a snowbank I didn't notice anyone was gone or the teacher yelling or anything! I was crawling the top of that snowbank so I know they saw me up there! I was not hidden! They chose not to come get me and they LOCKED me out of the classroom even! When I had realized I was outside alone I went and knocked on the classroom door and no one answered for what felt like forever to my 5yo mind! I was 5 fucking years old for fucks sake! But no- the gaslighting of how bad I was as a kid really took its toll on me! There was various SA occurrences around this time. too, not at school but with adults and teen babysitters. People loved messing with this little kid here and it sucked! Anyways, the teacher was at least trying with me! He saw something no one else had and was trying to encourage me but no one else was! My step-dad almost punched that teacher during a parent-teacher meeting for saying I was "socially behind". I didn't know what that meant and when I found out I still didn't understand it and thought it was stupid! Yes, down on myself me thought that was "stupid" for once and not myself! BOLOL! Gawd my parents were triggered! I think they might have beat me soon after that. They wanted me to do good in school but they didn't. It was very confusing. But no, I understand now that being "socially behind" was a bad look on their parenting and that made them angry! They didn't like having to spend money on the things that would help me be more socially acceptable. Looking back I see why the other kids hated me....I didn't have the coolest new toys or the hippest attire! It is weird how much capitalism really causes some terrible shit to happen to kids. I was bullied at one point to where I thought I may die....going to school...I had to since it was better than staying home...I would get on that bus and every morning no one on the bus wanted me to sit with them- they would shove me out of the seats and spit on me screaming insults at me and calling me names. And the bus driver would yell at me, too, to sit down or we wouldn't go! So every morning I would cry and cry and cry on my way to school! One time while living at this same house (O living here was almost the worst shit ever to happen to me)- I didn't have much clothes and I usually had to get myself ready for school at this point and my mom went off on me for wearing my only clean clothes! It was bad. Idk...my hands are tired. and I need to get my cool lab hmwrk done now! Maybe more later. Venting out a little too much!

The Professor is Alright and so is ButtRag

Might as well put up the new ButtRagMag cover here also. I want to get this done this year. I think it is #15, butt I should go through my archives to see. Everything is all jumbled up and stuff and I don't recall where the Bonerators left off either. So, that comic may have to doo something else in this tissue. Like a short ad or interview might be what I will do with those characters. We'll see. Got a lot of other material for this tissue anyways. Gonna see how this tissue fairs here. Afterall, part of the fun of this zine is putting it in bar bathrooms anonymously. So, it is purely an expression of love and madness! BOLOLOL! I am excited to put all the new material in there and this weekend write up the intro or editor's note. I need to work on my lab for my ecology today and tomorrow (which is also fun)! I am liking that I am finding more ButtRag material through school! Oof I just let a big stinker! BOLOLOL! It has been quite a journey! 

    O and boy am I glad I wrote the email to the professor. He replied and said some very insightful things. He did admit that he was trying something to get me to engage more or to try to get others to engage, too, and that it sometimes does not work. No, I understand why some teachers do things, but when you got anxiety and all it can be a bit weird. It is true not many people speak up in lectures and all. Do we all have anxiety? Maybe so. There are only about 5 of us in a class of about 70 that speak out and ask questions. Nobody else cares to say that something must be wrong with them for not asking questions, right? Afterall, if we all asked questions there wouldn't be time for the professor to lecture! But I feel sad that the last two lectures he didn't ask us questions at all or even take the time to ask us if we had any. I hope that is not because of me and my dang email! I think I will go have a look at my reply again (o no, here I go again- maybe a spiral). I hope I didn't sound to mean or whatnot, bol. I often make shit worse when I speak of these things....bol.

 

Professors, messing with and ecology

 https://youtu.be/kSctr0aQOso?si=k-X5F4GIzDxtrlUD

So, I just got done writing an email to my ecology professor about what happened in class the other day. I really try to keep this "sensitive" shit to myself these days because "no one wants to hear it" but I just couldn't get over this- even if I am proven wrong for feeling this way- ass usual, bol! So, the other day in class there were presentations and after each there are questions and I went ahead and forced myself to ask one even with terrible anxiety. Part of it was also because no one else was asking questions either. So, I asked how they- the presenters- felt about beavers in the desert. This was because I had watched a video similar to the one above and it had popped in my head. So, I went ahead and asked how they felt about beavers in the desert. What got me about this and looking back on it all was that not only did one guy who was in the group presenting say "there are no trees in the desert" but also the professor. So, I sat there choking a bit with anxiety with my brain having the files flying looking for the answer to my questions about the videos I had watched on the matter....and I got out a little squeak of an "ok" in acceptance of both their answers that they both seemed to repeat 3 or 4 times to me! It was really weird! I felt so crazy! And I felt even crazier after coming home and finding the videos. When I googled there was 100s of articles and videos that came up on this matter even! So, I rewatched a few and yup, I wasn't "IMAGINING IT"! BOLOL! So, I got a bit upset by this. But then was like "well, it should be water under the bridge- I got the location of this wrong in my head anyways and all ...." trying to justify not writing the email still. BUT THEN....BUT THEN BOLOLOL! I was going over the slides for the quiz and low and behold there was a slide on TREES IN THE DESERT!!! FROM THAT PRESENTATION! I felt even DUMBER for accepting their answer! But not only that- thinking of this now- the person who made that slide for that presentation didn't even correct the guy in their group for answering the way he did nor did the professor! Were they all messing with me? Do they not respect me enough to give me even a thought of giving me the right answer in front of anyone? Does everyone in the class want me to be a fool? I mean they ALL saw the slide on desert trees and didn't say anything? I am so beside myself right now! I feel so crazy about this and really I shouldn't? I guess I am glad I got google blogger so I don't make anyone mad on fb writing shit like this there. No one wants to read this! BOLOL! But ya, there ARE trees in the desert and there has been beavers in the desert, too! I am just so beside myself now! It makes me wish I could where a t-shirt to the next class saying "there are no trees in the desert". So, I am still trying really hard to deal with how people mess with me but I really wasn't expecting being messed with like that in front of the whole class. It really felt inappropriate actually. Now maybe some kids in class might not know they were messing with me either...maybe? They also think there are no desert willows or cottonwoods in the desert now because the right answer was never brought up! So weird the extent people will go to to make me feel so dumb it is weird!!! Is it the white boy snow flake thing or what? A women with a certain look and age MUST be fucked with in class I guess! Like really? I am beside myself. So, let's see if he even answers my email or if he is going to make me feel worse for writing it! What kind of scientists are out there? Will I be able to fit in the ecology world? Or am I just too stupid for any job out there? Was I just supposed to stay in my home town and marry one of my cousins and pop out 5-10 kids like the current regime makes me feel that is what we are going back to. I better just suck it up and carry on with a smile that I will always be messed with by people due to the way I look. People just can't help themselves. I often have to force myself to be out there even if it mean people want to make me uncomfortable. 

O mahn I just had a thought about something that made me laugh so hard. What if I just come into next class dressed like a ho? Just let the puppies hang the fuck on out and let everyone gossip their little hearts out! Hey, if I am going to be disrespected like I am a ho I might as well dress like one, huh? Really disrupt the class! Bah...probably backfire somehow, like anything I do seems to. Probably best to just let this sit until my next appt with my councilor. Just had to get this out now. Like damn do I feel so weird and dumb right now with feelings!

Meds and Forgettful

 Dang it! I forgot to take my meds again lastnight! Geeebis! Well, I guess that is the problem I always seem to have with having to take meds. Ya, let's hope I can remember later. I don't want to take them in the morning since they can make you sleepy, but maybe I should since I wake up so early? Today is a social event to attend, too. And I was hoping to be up on my social game. When have I ever been up on my social game? BOL! Alright, cut out the self downing humor! Oof I just let a stinky and loud fart! Weee! The joys of getting old. I should work on the next ButtRag this weekend along with my ecology hmwrk- I can think of it as my own homework of fun! It's all fun! Trying to have fun! 

It's been getting hotter out. March had some record breaking temps. This morning, though, pretty cold and close to freezing. I should keep this in my weather journal. I need to keep one better, maybe write in that everyday. There's been some serious tornado action in the midwest this month, too. The NE was super cold all winter due to the polar vortex hovering over it til maybe about a week ago it seemed to warm up over there finally. I feel bad I didn't send my friend, Arica her sweatshirt present until like mid March my brain was so scattered after the FL trip I just threw everything in the closet and didn't know right from down. It was so hard to get the stuff I needed to get done - my brain was just on overdrive about all the personal family stuff. I feel guilty and selfish dealing with all these feelings all the time. It is so hard to be around people some days. I do put myself out there, though, and I am getting better at dealing with social situations, I think. Idk...I try. I just seem to sabotage myself sometimes. Say or do stupid things like they are a knee jerk reaction. The ones that really make me laugh now are the people that get mad when I compliment them. I laugh now about that lady that I disappointed so bad when I complimented her on her shades! Her face just turned down so much into almost anger about it. It was weird cuz this couple was like kinda hovering around and saying "hi" whenever I was having to run to work and school and seemingly wanting to make friends with me. So, one day they caught me with more time while James and I were having a fun day out. I said that and after that that couple looked at me with scowls even and avoided me! HAAAA! I guess that's all I gotta do to make ppl hate me is compliment them! Ya, I can't be around people like that. I kinda didn't want a redneck, white normie friend anyways HA! Look at me write here...so much farts! Let's see if I can get on with my day now. 

Mental Update

Welp, the other night I already forgot a dose and I didn't like yesterday's side effects. Boy, was I trying hard on the bus yesterday not to get in the "wanting to kill myself" mode. It seemed like the meds were doing good about that for the few days I was consistent. The suicidal thoughts were almost non existent for a few days! Whoow! There is a little bit this morning but I am getting over it. I hope. I will try to not miss anymore. Working on my confidence is hard....very hard. But my new therapist has been so cool. I saw a psychiatrist the other week and he made sure to let me know that I am believed and heard in the most sincere way. The psychiatrist prescribes me my meds. It was so hard than day since I had just seen an artcle on Bluesky about my stepgrandpa passing away- and he was the one that had SAd me at 5yo. I thought he died forever ago. I didn't dare write a comment about the sexual assault on the article due to blow back but I saw an article on SA and commented there about how unsafe I would feel commenting about it on the article. It was weird people shared it. But at least one person said they were sorry I went through that. Some days it is so hard to bare the brunt of what I carry. Those harsh memories. I guess I see why I feel so worthless all the time. It is going to be hard talking about some of this stuff. I mean- 'friends' didn't want to "hear it" for so long when I just wanted to come out with some of the 'minor' abuses as a test to see who I could talk to about this- so, ya know, I don't like this weird "COMPETITIVE" shit about who got treated worse when coming out with these problems. It just feels soooo gross to really? ONE UP on abusive experiences! So fucking gross! What usually happens to me is that I can't talk anymore about what happened to me and my throat starts closing. I think that is why I feel so weird about most of my past friendships now. I always felt I had to spend 110% of my energy being careful not to talk about my childhood or anything that might make people tell me to "stfu about that". It's weird how much that reminds me of my abusive parents when people say that to me or forms of it like when someone I did consider close said "no one wants to hear that". This pain I carry everyday about how to not to inconvenience 'friends' with my problems is a tough one. Now it just seems like I was never "worthy" enough to these people to take care of my problems. That my pain was "fake" to them and really I was just someone to use. Not everyone feels like a user...I still have a couple friends that listen to me here and there. I am like "I must be so selfish trying to take care of my brain problems and issues- am I?" is there a border on how much you can take care of yourself? It seems like there is when it comes to me. I gotta keep putting myself out there so people can dis and put me down and have someone to fuck with, I guess. Seems like my whole life. Now, time to stop dwelling on those that I no longer fit well on their "agenda"(god I hate that word so much- why?). Time to turn up the "tough"!? BOLOLOLOL! Gawd I hate that, too! I already consider myself tough for living as long as I have. Weel, let's see what I can get done today- didn't work much on ButtRag the other day butt whatever. Praise myself for being alive!

Evo Eco Disturbo

 

The many different things to write about tonight. I guess I better take my first anti depressant tonight. Well, I am not just getting back on an antidepressant but trying a different kind. This will be the third kind I will be trying. I just took it and will be monitoring here how it goes over the next month. I will give it a month. The last one I only gave 4 days because it made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack or something. My felt like my heart was beating faster. That does occur when I get anxious, too. Been trying to figure out a lot these past years. Jumping from sobriety to a total change in work to going to school deciding I would do better to help the environment than just feeling sad with myself running to cry in the bathroom every time I work a shift down at the local huge corpsepoorate restaurant chain or even just working the dining at the university. Now I don't cry as often when studying ecology! The picture above was what I saw when in the bathroom at school one day. It made me smile. Ransom for the a-hole in chief and a cute sticky note to help students feeling overwhelmed. I think that is what I like about school- the unexpected support from people I don't know. One day I came out of a class stressed thinking I was behind on studying for my exam when bam! Someone handed me a card and a granola bar saying that they understood the pressures and hope I am doing ok. The card had some information for help by offering counseling for stress. The lady who handed it to me was all smiles. This did help. It has been such a rollercoaster. School and then also thinking about my artistic endeavors. When stuff like the pic above happens I think of what to put in the new tissue of ButtRag, of course! So, much new material for the new rag has been piling on since I been going to school, too. I think I really may get a move on the new tissue tomorrow. I got the cover done. A lot of school stuff will be in there. Yup, turns out a lot of environmental stuff has butt stuff going on, BOL! I really can't believe I am a junior at a university still! O and I just thought of how I may do a map of the bathrooms on campus for BRM! BOL! That could be fun! What list for stuff to go in new BRM

1-New bathroom pics- organize to put on pages

2-Deuterostome- the first gastro opening of an organism-anus first

3-Turtles and anal breathing

4-editor's note- Bully and the mental health ect 

5-Bonerators-maybe just do an interview instead of adventure-need to look back at previous issue

Don't want to make it too long so- that looks good. It would be nice to have this out sooner than later.