I was just pondering way too much this morning, ass usual. Pondering about whenever my therapist asks about my support system, my childhood and friendships over the years along with my self esteem. I have never been charismatic when it comes to relationships with people. I was hated as a kid- and often hit and called names by other kids and to adults(even my parents) I was really annoying. No one seemed to want me around. So, I spent A LOT of time around nature and animals. I loved watching spiders in the grass (I recall a big yellow spider being one of King Squeaky and I's best friends in our grassland field castle. Those times were wonderous. I could get away from people that way and heal. I didn't know it then but I think that is how I survived my childhood.
6th Grade was a time of change for me. This smelly kid who wore hand-me-downs from the 60s and 70s was actually getting straight A's in science. I was blowing the teacher's minds! BOLOL! They wanted me to be dumb because I was poor and smelly! But no, my 6th grade science teacher was actually a decent human being looking back at him! Most of the teachers got in digs and often brushed me off and I would even go as far as say they were cruel!! Like my kinder garden teacher she locked me out of the classroom after recess! Wpw! Thinking about that now I was a kid and I blamed myself for that cuz I was so spaced out climbing the top of a snowbank I didn't notice anyone was gone or the teacher yelling or anything! I was crawling the top of that snowbank so I know they saw me up there! I was not hidden! They chose not to come get me and they LOCKED me out of the classroom even! When I had realized I was outside alone I went and knocked on the classroom door and no one answered for what felt like forever to my 5yo mind! I was 5 fucking years old for fucks sake! But no- the gaslighting of how bad I was as a kid really took its toll on me! There was various SA occurrences around this time. too, not at school but with adults and teen babysitters. People loved messing with this little kid here and it sucked! Anyways, the teacher was at least trying with me! He saw something no one else had and was trying to encourage me but no one else was! My step-dad almost punched that teacher during a parent-teacher meeting for saying I was "socially behind". I didn't know what that meant and when I found out I still didn't understand it and thought it was stupid! Yes, down on myself me thought that was "stupid" for once and not myself! BOLOL! Gawd my parents were triggered! I think they might have beat me soon after that. They wanted me to do good in school but they didn't. It was very confusing. But no, I understand now that being "socially behind" was a bad look on their parenting and that made them angry! They didn't like having to spend money on the things that would help me be more socially acceptable. Looking back I see why the other kids hated me....I didn't have the coolest new toys or the hippest attire! It is weird how much capitalism really causes some terrible shit to happen to kids. I was bullied at one point to where I thought I may die....going to school...I had to since it was better than staying home...I would get on that bus and every morning no one on the bus wanted me to sit with them- they would shove me out of the seats and spit on me screaming insults at me and calling me names. And the bus driver would yell at me, too, to sit down or we wouldn't go! So every morning I would cry and cry and cry on my way to school! One time while living at this same house (O living here was almost the worst shit ever to happen to me)- I didn't have much clothes and I usually had to get myself ready for school at this point and my mom went off on me for wearing my only clean clothes! It was bad. Idk...my hands are tired. and I need to get my cool lab hmwrk done now! Maybe more later. Venting out a little too much!
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