Thoughts Away!

 

Grabbing some of them positive thoughts this morning. End of the semester and I think I got more A's. Pretty proud of myself. I actually found what I am good at, I think. It is interesting to think that back in HS I was good at stuff like this also but I just got accepted as a friend more into the art community so that's the way I went. I was never that good at art stuff, but thinking back I was really good at science stuff. Art did help me cope for awhile until it kinda didn't. You have to be a salesman to be an artist. I am NOT! And although I will also not be good on selling climate change or the environment I can still go out in the fields and woods and do fun sciencey stuff. The above pic of this Eddy covariance flux tower is the instrument that measures CO2 in our atmosphere. I think it is neat. Even though I am interested in all this I still like to draw occasionally. I would like to get another tissue of BRM out soon with all the stuff I have learned in school. So much butt stuff in biology! BOLOL! 

As far as my therapy and new meds...I think it is going to be an interesting experience moving forward. I will soon get to the point where I can be around people that don't want to hear my problems again. I guess that is my niche in society, I noticed. That whenever I hang out with people they have to be basic level- acquaintances- since basically that is what most of them have been. The type where I get to listen to their problems and just maybe say a few basic comforting words. Kinda like how I am treated? BOL! No, people usually tell me they don't want to hear it or they shut me down with their WAYYY worse problems and making me feel like I don't matter to them. People just like to talk at me, I noticed. And many times they like to say shit to sort of throw me off to make me feel like I don't know what the fuck is going on. That tends to happen whenever I am excited about talking about anything. Like school- I often get shut down or made to feel like crap if I talk about that, too, bol. It is interesting power plays humans have. The immense egos so that I can't possibly know anything cuz- ya know....other people all know better than me! Doesn't do much for my self esteem- so, I always feel sucky around people since I place everyone else on this pedestal of knowing more than me. Doesn't help in the suicidal thoughts department...always being made to feel inferior. Afterall, it is an ultra competitive world! I must be crushed or made into everyone elses' servant, huh? That makes me feel like killing myself some days. I just can't help it. I have had a few offers of help but some don't feel right or most don't- especially since they have not really wanted to be that close of friends before and were never really anyone I have ever felt I can go to with my problems. It is weird looking back over myself and my friendships over the years and how really most were just acquaintances I did stuff for from helping move, to listening to them bitch about work and relationships, to giving them $$ (for their electric bill-they would say, bol)- so much $$ I gave and my time and my SPACE! And the only time I could bitch about my problems was if I provided a space and drugs and booze or so it seemed. Most partners would even tell me to stfu about it, too. I had nowhere and no one after I went sober, it seemed. Even now, I get people that just come up to me that I hardly know and they unload all their problems on me. I find myself saying "sorry you are going through that" quite often. And that I better not talk about anything about myself at all. My niche- where I better just be someone else's fixture to yell at. I better be someone who can take being put down because I never give enough time or $$. And people are constantly pushing to just make me a shell of a servant to them. 

It is so weird how much people want to push the people they know as in need on me. They think that it is best I take in their friend(s) of whom Idk in and take care of them now when I feel so unstable!? It is so weird. Especially when they have a house that they own and all- so weird! These people who don't know me are really trying hard to get me to have tons of room mates even though I can hardly take care of myself anymore. I guess it is funny to them to make me homeless along with my partner? Ya, I am beginning to think maybe I never had any real friends at all....no, I get mad and should not say that. I do have some good friends who have stuck through my crap! I just feels so mad lately and I mean many friends have made me feel guilty for not doing enough so....what kind of friends are those anyways? Always making me feel bad about myself. Why dwell on those people? Only think about the good friends who have been there and not shoved me aside as being "inferior" in problems and the way I am. Friends are supposed to make you feel good about yourself.

Crash Outsider

 Welp. don't think I will be getting any sleep tonight. Seeing the documentary I saw earlier really got my head realin. Thoughts about my parent's fighting it really stirred up. I thought a few times my mom would wind up dead or my brother.. or even myself. That look on step dad's face- "YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT!!". Ya, I sure was gaslit a lot! I had a good cry. Had me thinking about a lot with my mother and her journey. How she grew up so abused and tossed around. It's so sad how there are people that prey on the vulnerable so much. It makes it hard to trust anyone. My mother's story is so far away. Everyone's story is so different yet the same. My emotions make me feel crazy. Like this society has no room for someone as emotional as me. There is so much...the thoughts of that friend of my mom...of whom I never met. That was weird af. So, this lady never gave me the time of day when I was with my mom as a kid and wanted to talk to me after mom died? I never even knew about her til a few years before mom died. It is so hard trying to be strong about all this. I can't talk to anyone really. Trying to solve other people's problems to bury my own doesn't work at all anymore. But I have such guilt about this. Maybe I should keep trying to live that way. Just buried in other people's problems I will never be able to solve and then have them pile more on me and make me crushed into the ground and without anything left. All to 'see how I fight'. Like the giant guinea pig that I am. See me fight like a nobody. Win-lose-win-lose...trying not to call myself a loser is so hard. How to gain confidence. For some of us it is harder than others. I just thought about the various people who have told me to "go ahead and kill myself!". I can't believe I am still here after those times!

Pea Sprouts and Madness

 I did want to post pics of my pea sprouts today, but I need to organize my pics first and all that. I was just punching myself in the head a couple minutes ago, but now I have calmed down by thinking about the peas I planted. I am excited that a couple have germinated so far! But alas this morning I was pretty sad about things and felt like a wicked dumby about existing. I guess I was sitting through about two hours of the same old media crap about the same old gross people. Maybe I will come back later and bitch more.

Bitch Bitch bitch! Everyone hates to hear me bitch! I am so annoying to others when I hang out. Hanging out? Idk anymore. I think I get annoyed hanging out with people for more than an hour these days. Just sitting there and listening to other people's more important problems can wear on ya, I guess. Of course, that depends on my mood. I think I am just exhausted with all the crap lately and real moody. Sometimes I ask myself how I even still have any friends. I can't keep up with everyone else's problems enough or even my own!

Bawk Around! Could it be?

 Wow! Another semester down and let's hope I can graduate soon. Try'n not to let other things bother me about trying to get an education. Like how addicted I am to good grades now when to everyone else that sort of talk is trivial. I taint their kid, bol! No, but contending with the old guilt is a rough balls along with the way the world is going now. Guilt of what? That I should have just never moved from where I was born? My mom dying and her not wanting me to talk to my brother? There is a lot I am learning about my mother's behaviors through this new therapist. She really gets to the point. Like I had to ask about all the weird little lies she planted on us. The odd ones that seemed to cause some drama and arguments. Because the information isn't really all that unimportant and has caused some issues with me in my life. Maybe I will come back later and talk about this but it has been more enlightening to know why these weird seemingly little lies have caused some pain in my life. It is even harder to explain, too, so why do I even bother. "Nobody wants to hear that shit" right? It's good to write some of it out here instead of bogging people in my life down about it. I just hope no one is really reading this crap. I mean it says some people have, which is odd. I did put the adult warning on it. I guess if I really wanted privacy I could write a .doc right? Why do I need to write this out even? Why not find another outlet? All these thoughts and more later on fart tv.