Thoughts Away!

 

Grabbing some of them positive thoughts this morning. End of the semester and I think I got more A's. Pretty proud of myself. I actually found what I am good at, I think. It is interesting to think that back in HS I was good at stuff like this also but I just got accepted as a friend more into the art community so that's the way I went. I was never that good at art stuff, but thinking back I was really good at science stuff. Art did help me cope for awhile until it kinda didn't. You have to be a salesman to be an artist. I am NOT! And although I will also not be good on selling climate change or the environment I can still go out in the fields and woods and do fun sciencey stuff. The above pic of this Eddy covariance flux tower is the instrument that measures CO2 in our atmosphere. I think it is neat. Even though I am interested in all this I still like to draw occasionally. I would like to get another tissue of BRM out soon with all the stuff I have learned in school. So much butt stuff in biology! BOLOL! 

As far as my therapy and new meds...I think it is going to be an interesting experience moving forward. I will soon get to the point where I can be around people that don't want to hear my problems again. I guess that is my niche in society, I noticed. That whenever I hang out with people they have to be basic level- acquaintances- since basically that is what most of them have been. The type where I get to listen to their problems and just maybe say a few basic comforting words. Kinda like how I am treated? BOL! No, people usually tell me they don't want to hear it or they shut me down with their WAYYY worse problems and making me feel like I don't matter to them. People just like to talk at me, I noticed. And many times they like to say shit to sort of throw me off to make me feel like I don't know what the fuck is going on. That tends to happen whenever I am excited about talking about anything. Like school- I often get shut down or made to feel like crap if I talk about that, too, bol. It is interesting power plays humans have. The immense egos so that I can't possibly know anything cuz- ya know....other people all know better than me! Doesn't do much for my self esteem- so, I always feel sucky around people since I place everyone else on this pedestal of knowing more than me. Doesn't help in the suicidal thoughts department...always being made to feel inferior. Afterall, it is an ultra competitive world! I must be crushed or made into everyone elses' servant, huh? That makes me feel like killing myself some days. I just can't help it. I have had a few offers of help but some don't feel right or most don't- especially since they have not really wanted to be that close of friends before and were never really anyone I have ever felt I can go to with my problems. It is weird looking back over myself and my friendships over the years and how really most were just acquaintances I did stuff for from helping move, to listening to them bitch about work and relationships, to giving them $$ (for their electric bill-they would say, bol)- so much $$ I gave and my time and my SPACE! And the only time I could bitch about my problems was if I provided a space and drugs and booze or so it seemed. Most partners would even tell me to stfu about it, too. I had nowhere and no one after I went sober, it seemed. Even now, I get people that just come up to me that I hardly know and they unload all their problems on me. I find myself saying "sorry you are going through that" quite often. And that I better not talk about anything about myself at all. My niche- where I better just be someone else's fixture to yell at. I better be someone who can take being put down because I never give enough time or $$. And people are constantly pushing to just make me a shell of a servant to them. 

It is so weird how much people want to push the people they know as in need on me. They think that it is best I take in their friend(s) of whom Idk in and take care of them now when I feel so unstable!? It is so weird. Especially when they have a house that they own and all- so weird! These people who don't know me are really trying hard to get me to have tons of room mates even though I can hardly take care of myself anymore. I guess it is funny to them to make me homeless along with my partner? Ya, I am beginning to think maybe I never had any real friends at all....no, I get mad and should not say that. I do have some good friends who have stuck through my crap! I just feels so mad lately and I mean many friends have made me feel guilty for not doing enough so....what kind of friends are those anyways? Always making me feel bad about myself. Why dwell on those people? Only think about the good friends who have been there and not shoved me aside as being "inferior" in problems and the way I am. Friends are supposed to make you feel good about yourself.