Throughout this healing process it has been really difficult in the "friend" dept. Who knew that friendship meant just making sure you keep over half your life and shit buried and how I have to keep my trap shut about most shit that comes to my mind. I did do this for most of my young life- keep my trap shut about all the abuses and family shit- EVEN WHEN OTHERS TALKED ABOUT THIER FAMILY ABUSES. The trouble with that was when the shit all came out when I would black out! AND it would come out VIOLENTLY!! Most of the next weeks I would spend -either trying to quit drinking or hair of the dogging it while making sure I don't black out. My partner and I were talking about this the other day because we have similar family situations. We both have been feeling sooooo angry lately about our family situations. We are angry with ourselves for even talking about all this to anyone even EACH OTHER!! We are supposed to keep it all locked away in a guarded box and never speak of it again even when others speak of their abuses. I noticed that a lot of times when people were talking with each other around me about their family disfunction that I was not allowed to share in the same way or AT ALL about any of my childhood traumas. Most people just get real hostile with me and shut me the fuck down almost instantly, but then 2 seconds later are listening to someone else's problems and traumas. And I sit there in a spiral thinking "wtf? is it about me? Am I just a lowlife that is o so stupid to these people and my trauma means nothing to them? Or did I come off saying something wrong or what?". So, then I sit there missing over half of what this seemingly more important friend with the way worse problems is saying as I feel like total shit about myself. I guess that is my place in this world: to feel like total shit about myself whenever I hang out with people- most of the time. Not all the time- not everyone makes me feel like shit about myself. I have a few good friends that don't totally make me feel like crap about myself and the problems I have had in life. But ya, this has me thinking about mY PlAcE.. and how it seems to me maybe I don't DeSeRvE close friends? Maybe it is time to accept that I would like to travel about just meeting new people and having acquaintance type friends. After all, I still have my closest bf, my partner, right? O and the gender thing....BOLOL...it is a fact that I have observed that most women DO NOT want to be my friend, well, straight, white women. I am automatically given scowls and dirty looks by most of them. And when I try to talk about anything AT ALL it is met with immediate disapproval or I am told how much they hate anything that I say I like. Because I am competition more than anything. O well, I mean this stuff helps me decide a lot of what to do in my life, I guess. BOLOL idk. But still, I think friends are important. I think it is interesting how scientists and or professors are friends with each other even though many of them have to travel quite a bit. They will say "my friend from Washington state" or "my great friend in Santiago, Chile". I noticed many of their stories have taken them to many different places to meet people interested in the same thing on another part of the planet. It makes me wonder if that is a better way for me to be friends with people: having acquaintances all over the planet. Maybe. Idk...I just like typing some of these thoughts out! And HOOORAY! Glad I drove away the views here, BOLOLOL! Means these people really don't care to HEAR what o so UNIMPORTANT SHIT I write here. Hey, it is important to me so ya know....they don't have to read it cuz I am NOT important to them, right? Therefore, hey, they don't have to be imprtant to me either! HEY! MAYBE I AM LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST NOW!! What a breakthrough!
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