Coping Pt 3

 I have done A LOT of coping over the years, that is for sure. Me and my therapist talked about some of this but I am realizing more and more how some of my ways stem from how I cope. The overuse of some words- like "GRAB" and "EYEBALLS" can be connected back to childhood. "GRAB" I already went over in the last coping post. "Eyeballs" I think comes from how much people would stare at me weird probably before they SA'd me. The SA'n was pretty much a regular thing when I was a kid. Some of my first memories are of being lured into a shack only to have to see the male organ and being quite terrified of it! This was when I was like 4 or 5yo and living in the "city" rather town but big for us back then. I was often told they needed to "practice" on me. These guys were men to me but they may have been teenage boys. One thing is for sure, they were way older than me! It seemed like a lot of older males really liked showing me their junk when I was barely old enough to walk and talk. I recall my uncle dragging me under the covers when he was playing blanket monster and he had to have that scary ass hard member out and pointing right at me when he dragged me under the blanket! It sucked and scared the living shit out of me!!! I screamed and scrambled to get away! That was wayyyy too much for me at that age. I did get away and he didn't do that again! But it is so weird to think of all the SA'n that happened when I was a child from older people. How have I coped with that- I guess by saying "eyeball" a lot? I really can't remember when I started saying it but it started at a very young age. My parents used to laugh about it especially when Eon Flux and other eyeball related things became mainstream at the time. Having to cope and always feel on edge as a kid was hard. I thought all this was nOrMaL but a secret for everyone. What else does a kid know at that age? Boy, and did I keep a lot of them SA secrets, huh? Hey, it was hard for me to talk to ANYONE at that age. I think it still is! I was often confused and hit for saying crap I didn't even know what I was saying!!! I could never figure out when I should or should not talk. That was a big thing when I was growing up! Hit a bunch for talking but then screamed at to "SPEAK THE FUCK UP!!". I didn't know up from down since it seemed like I often would do and say shit wrong A LOT!! So, I think that has really wrecked my confidence along with always seeming to have people who like to bully and belittle me lurking around me for some reason. I always wondered what it was about me that I seem to often have people who like to bully me into doing shit I don't want to or people that just really shoot me down when I am in pain. Like when I was trying to talk about my mother soon after she died RIP to a supposed "friend" and was shot down with the "everyone has trauma" indicating that to her my problems were worthless so "stfu" kinda like how my parents delt with me is what it reminded me of! And that is generally what IT is about me...there's now time for most people to care about me and my life. My problems do not matter to most people that is why I am looked down upon when things happen to me. Family members die- I am so worthless I can not speak of this to anyone. It is almost like I should not even have a family myself because people think of me as such a low life, huh?  Now I try to stay away from people that like to force me to do shit they want me to do like a servant with no life of my own. If I hang out with people I better KNOW MY PLACE and that is to just sit their and listen to their problems and nod and see when I am asked for $$ and if I even have to give. If I don't I am usually tossed off and ignored if I do- well, maybe I get a "thank you" but more often am asked for even more $$. Even often bullied when I can't do enough. I am so surprised I am still alive! Especially since so many have thought the worst of me. I mean I am not an angel but geesh- I have seen people do way worse than me and practically get praised for it! The constant is that people just want to control the shit out of me! I always feel like an annoyance since I was a kid. I think these days I just power through it cuz I can't be what people want. It has lightened up a bit since I been here but I still see the signs. Like when I was made to feel confused when it seemed like our dinner eatn partner wanted to make me feel like I didn't know what I was talking about with the politics. I was like so aware of what he was doing it was weird! I often think I shouldn't even try when I am so aware of how I am being tested or treated. Like geesh to be obviously made to feel like shit around people is so weird at times. Like where is the fun in that? O it is only fun for the other perosn not me. I try to laugh and not be "so sensitive" about it. I have been laughing at myself for many years along with others. And now I am like trying to figure out this thing called "respect" it turns out maybe I don't know what it means to respect myself. Anyways, time to go outside and cope now. 

Coping part 2

 Been one of those days. I can't move much today. I feel like a ton of bricks and totally worthless. Trying to keep it to myself as best I can. Getting my meds right has not been easy. I can't keep track of my thoughts well since there is so much to do and I keep fuckin up today on simple things like remembering to brush my teeth. Am I getting dementia? I have been to the doc a lot lately so I don't think so. I will ask next visit. Think positive for myself because it is no one else's responsibility to do so. No one else can make me be confident in myself. Although, it certainly does help to stay away from those who like to make you feel crappy about yourself. But it seems these days people are hung up on making others feel like shit. As if they don't have enough problems, right? But still, they like others to feel more misery it seems. They would rather cause misery to others than spend that energy making their own life safer and better. There are A LOT of people who have too much fun bullying others or making them feel like shit about themselves. MY MOTHER tried so hard to TOUGHN me up for this shit! Hey, that's just the way it is for us....it is our curse...and it is weird because ya know...it is a cycle. People expect you to be a POS because you were born poor and look a certain way and speak a certain way. People love to hone in and bully to make themselves feel better or like my therapist said "to take the attention off themselves". I have always done that, I spose....caught attention. I am a magnet for people ready to put someone down! Even people from years ago cannot resist. There is just something about me, I guess. Some days I do wonder how bad it will get! I am done being around people who want to make me feel bad about being me! I AM DONE!! So, coping, it has been quite a ride with the coping - GRAB- remember how much MOM loved yelling in a mean way "how does that GRAB ya!!!?" whenever she got many of her big ONE OVERS on me? Trying to say that word so much that it doesn't bother me- making it humorous- ya- humorous! Ya ya! Grab! HAAHAA! Mom ya really did grab me, huh? YUP! literally she really loved grabbing and yanking my arms about quite a bit, it seemed! Spit and her bad coffee brandy and cigarette breath is causing me to have stomach pain now. Made me so lacking in confidence I can barely move some days. But I am getting better. Hey! A Lot better than if I was drinking. I am soooo proud of myself even if others are not! I have done A LOT! Of course, I still have to deal with the occasional person talking about drinking and I do it, too, but no drinking for me! I do NOT care how much people like to play on that rope a dope there! It is so weird how much drinking keeps coming back around, too! O geesh I am so boring and worthless to other people when I don't drink I need my every single move micro managed! Ug- remember that partner? Boy, did that one really want to tell me every little move to make! It got so insane! I can not be around people that want to control me that much! But people do that- whether with bullying or messing with or just flat out micro-managing your every move. Even to want confrontation- I can't stand that type of controlling behavior! The only way to cope with that is to find a way to get away from the person wanting to control you so bad. That can be really hard and scary because they have fun putting you down and controlling you- because they do not think you deserve to live the best way you can. People love to prey on the vulnerable, too, because it is their source glee. People want others to be or become homeless so they can make them the demons. In order for me to accumulate some sort of confidence I need to not hang out with people that make me feel like crap about myself. 

Pea Plant Adventures

 Gardening is pretty neat! I got 6 pea plants going that I am really excited about. They look really cool the way they grow. They have the grabbing tendrils and the way the leaves come out from the stem is nice. They are at 40 days and at 58 days are said to have the pea pods ready to go! That is not much longer aways. I can't wait until the flowers come. I wanted to grow pea plants not only because of my biology book having read about the study of genes through pea plants but also because of the fond memories of raiding the nearby farm up the road when I was a kid. I used to like to go to this old couple's farm and eat their delicious peas as well as their sunflower seeds and hang out and pet their goats. They were such a delight when times were dark at that pink house. Anyways, let me add pics of my peas and marigolds growth over the past month or so. 

Peas first planting day. 

Peas sprouting inside

Accidental pea sprout in St.Sally.

First transplanted pea from inside to outside. 

Lone pea plant outside...for that day.

Marigold pot first day

3 pea plants outside. 3 transplants from inside and one direct sow outside finally sprouting.

First Marigold sprout.

Pea plants doing fine and first grab!

More marigolds!

Pea plants getting BIGGER! YAY! All are grabbing! And another surprize pea sprout! So, total of 5 pea plants outside and 1 inside.

Marigolds are growing along fine as well!

Realizations of Coping

 The other day I realized that some more things I have done were to cope and "get over" some things. Like I had some severe bullying happen to me on the school bus when I was a kid. It was when we moved into that cursed pink house. So many bad things happened to our family when we lived there. Both our dog and cat got ran over, the ceiling leaked and the landlord wouldn't fix it, and some other assorted things that sucked. But the worst thing for me was getting on that school bus for school. All the kids hated me and would not let me sit with them and that bus was crowded. All the seats had at least one kid in them and none of them wanted me to sit with them. Kids are so cruel! They would push me out of their seat yelling insults at me and spitting or hitting. The bus driver wasn't any better. He would yell that he can't drive until I find a seat, so that was even worse! None of the kids wanted me to sit with them AT ALL! So, I would bounce around looking for anywhere to sit. It sucked soo bad!! Then I realized something that made me mad when an old friend from my home town said "you always looked so sad getting on the bus". Like muthafucka...you were one of the kids who would push me out of their seat, huh? Yup, he was on that bus and also a bully. Kind of disappointing to think about, but we were about 6 or 7 at that time. We did become friends in high school, but for him to say that to me now and me to piece it together...ugh. So, disappointing to find out he may have been one of my bullies. My life in grade school sucked so bad! I didn't really have much for friends in grade school. I remember this one girl who liked kicking me in the shins. That sucked! I recall the friend triangle I had where I was often excluded and bullied by the two girls. One of them was the daughter of my mom's friend up the road. She liked to play a lot of mind games with me. I was her best friend one day but the next day she would turn our other friend against me and they would pick on me and push me around calling me names. I was the dirty, lice kid so I did get picked on a lot. My parents didn't wash me much or change my clothes. I didn't have much for clothes. I think even in kinder garden I had to get myself ready for school or I would get a beating. The bullying at school was better for me to deal with than my parents screaming and beating so I made myself get up and get ready for school. I think between the school bullies and my parents beating me I took quite a bit of physical abuse young. Thinking back on it, it is hard to believe I survived! No wonder I have brain damage, though or am considered so "StUpId" by most people. I was really damaged young. Beatings do damage you-and a growing body being beaten can probably be the worst damage. I was so annoying to most people that they felt they had to hit me often. Then to be spoken to most of the time like I am a person who is "less than" most other people around. I am sooo angry not only about my guilt about the way I am and how I can't help it but also angry at how others have made me feel over the years! People just LOVE to pick on me! Pretend I am a lowlife so they don't feel guilt for being a dick to me. Like with all the people that couldn't give a shit or the time of day to me when I lived in the same town as them, but when I move OMG! Everyone and their brother comes out of the woodwork to make sure I know they want to make me feel like shit unless I drop everything and have them come and stay with me even though I feel highly unstable and broke spending all my money on moving so I got to find a job ect...meanwhile, my mother wants to call me more often and make sure I feel like crap about myself, too, for not moving back to take care of her- even though it is like fucking expensive as shit there, too! Then so many people I hadn't heard from in 20 years all being dicks to me! Everyone being SUCH FUCKING DICKS!! Like wtf, mahn!? It all reminded me of my childhood! And I was getting ready for the worst! For a bunch of them to gang up on me and start kicking my shins and spitting on me....just like in grade school. Then the therapist said that it sounded like people were bullying me and that confirmed my feelings on the matter. Yup, it is a fact, people were bullying me (and still kind of are). Just because it wasn't as physical doesn't mean it wasn't bullying. But people love to bully me so it is probably a good idea for me not to go out and be around people that much. I think it might even be best I keep most everyone at acquaintance level friends. Hey, I don't care if it makes me less worthwhile to people and they nominate me to die first or whatever. I accept my place in this world as a person of lesser social standing and worth to most people. But also I don't have to like it and I don't have to be around people so much if I don't want. I do love hiking by myself. No bullies right now...but I can feel them trying to stay bullies. Got to make me struggle if I don't do enough for them, right? Bad enough the gov wants to make me struggle without all the bullies making crap hard for me, too! At least I got school and now these kids do NOT bully me! Who knew college would have less bullies than out here trying to just work and get by?! It has been quite a relief.