I have done A LOT of coping over the years, that is for sure. Me and my therapist talked about some of this but I am realizing more and more how some of my ways stem from how I cope. The overuse of some words- like "GRAB" and "EYEBALLS" can be connected back to childhood. "GRAB" I already went over in the last coping post. "Eyeballs" I think comes from how much people would stare at me weird probably before they SA'd me. The SA'n was pretty much a regular thing when I was a kid. Some of my first memories are of being lured into a shack only to have to see the male organ and being quite terrified of it! This was when I was like 4 or 5yo and living in the "city" rather town but big for us back then. I was often told they needed to "practice" on me. These guys were men to me but they may have been teenage boys. One thing is for sure, they were way older than me! It seemed like a lot of older males really liked showing me their junk when I was barely old enough to walk and talk. I recall my uncle dragging me under the covers when he was playing blanket monster and he had to have that scary ass hard member out and pointing right at me when he dragged me under the blanket! It sucked and scared the living shit out of me!!! I screamed and scrambled to get away! That was wayyyy too much for me at that age. I did get away and he didn't do that again! But it is so weird to think of all the SA'n that happened when I was a child from older people. How have I coped with that- I guess by saying "eyeball" a lot? I really can't remember when I started saying it but it started at a very young age. My parents used to laugh about it especially when Eon Flux and other eyeball related things became mainstream at the time. Having to cope and always feel on edge as a kid was hard. I thought all this was nOrMaL but a secret for everyone. What else does a kid know at that age? Boy, and did I keep a lot of them SA secrets, huh? Hey, it was hard for me to talk to ANYONE at that age. I think it still is! I was often confused and hit for saying crap I didn't even know what I was saying!!! I could never figure out when I should or should not talk. That was a big thing when I was growing up! Hit a bunch for talking but then screamed at to "SPEAK THE FUCK UP!!". I didn't know up from down since it seemed like I often would do and say shit wrong A LOT!! So, I think that has really wrecked my confidence along with always seeming to have people who like to bully and belittle me lurking around me for some reason. I always wondered what it was about me that I seem to often have people who like to bully me into doing shit I don't want to or people that just really shoot me down when I am in pain. Like when I was trying to talk about my mother soon after she died RIP to a supposed "friend" and was shot down with the "everyone has trauma" indicating that to her my problems were worthless so "stfu" kinda like how my parents delt with me is what it reminded me of! And that is generally what IT is about me...there's now time for most people to care about me and my life. My problems do not matter to most people that is why I am looked down upon when things happen to me. Family members die- I am so worthless I can not speak of this to anyone. It is almost like I should not even have a family myself because people think of me as such a low life, huh? Now I try to stay away from people that like to force me to do shit they want me to do like a servant with no life of my own. If I hang out with people I better KNOW MY PLACE and that is to just sit their and listen to their problems and nod and see when I am asked for $$ and if I even have to give. If I don't I am usually tossed off and ignored if I do- well, maybe I get a "thank you" but more often am asked for even more $$. Even often bullied when I can't do enough. I am so surprised I am still alive! Especially since so many have thought the worst of me. I mean I am not an angel but geesh- I have seen people do way worse than me and practically get praised for it! The constant is that people just want to control the shit out of me! I always feel like an annoyance since I was a kid. I think these days I just power through it cuz I can't be what people want. It has lightened up a bit since I been here but I still see the signs. Like when I was made to feel confused when it seemed like our dinner eatn partner wanted to make me feel like I didn't know what I was talking about with the politics. I was like so aware of what he was doing it was weird! I often think I shouldn't even try when I am so aware of how I am being tested or treated. Like geesh to be obviously made to feel like shit around people is so weird at times. Like where is the fun in that? O it is only fun for the other perosn not me. I try to laugh and not be "so sensitive" about it. I have been laughing at myself for many years along with others. And now I am like trying to figure out this thing called "respect" it turns out maybe I don't know what it means to respect myself. Anyways, time to go outside and cope now.
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