The other day I realized that some more things I have done were to cope and "get over" some things. Like I had some severe bullying happen to me on the school bus when I was a kid. It was when we moved into that cursed pink house. So many bad things happened to our family when we lived there. Both our dog and cat got ran over, the ceiling leaked and the landlord wouldn't fix it, and some other assorted things that sucked. But the worst thing for me was getting on that school bus for school. All the kids hated me and would not let me sit with them and that bus was crowded. All the seats had at least one kid in them and none of them wanted me to sit with them. Kids are so cruel! They would push me out of their seat yelling insults at me and spitting or hitting. The bus driver wasn't any better. He would yell that he can't drive until I find a seat, so that was even worse! None of the kids wanted me to sit with them AT ALL! So, I would bounce around looking for anywhere to sit. It sucked soo bad!! Then I realized something that made me mad when an old friend from my home town said "you always looked so sad getting on the bus". Like muthafucka...you were one of the kids who would push me out of their seat, huh? Yup, he was on that bus and also a bully. Kind of disappointing to think about, but we were about 6 or 7 at that time. We did become friends in high school, but for him to say that to me now and me to piece it together...ugh. So, disappointing to find out he may have been one of my bullies. My life in grade school sucked so bad! I didn't really have much for friends in grade school. I remember this one girl who liked kicking me in the shins. That sucked! I recall the friend triangle I had where I was often excluded and bullied by the two girls. One of them was the daughter of my mom's friend up the road. She liked to play a lot of mind games with me. I was her best friend one day but the next day she would turn our other friend against me and they would pick on me and push me around calling me names. I was the dirty, lice kid so I did get picked on a lot. My parents didn't wash me much or change my clothes. I didn't have much for clothes. I think even in kinder garden I had to get myself ready for school or I would get a beating. The bullying at school was better for me to deal with than my parents screaming and beating so I made myself get up and get ready for school. I think between the school bullies and my parents beating me I took quite a bit of physical abuse young. Thinking back on it, it is hard to believe I survived! No wonder I have brain damage, though or am considered so "StUpId" by most people. I was really damaged young. Beatings do damage you-and a growing body being beaten can probably be the worst damage. I was so annoying to most people that they felt they had to hit me often. Then to be spoken to most of the time like I am a person who is "less than" most other people around. I am sooo angry not only about my guilt about the way I am and how I can't help it but also angry at how others have made me feel over the years! People just LOVE to pick on me! Pretend I am a lowlife so they don't feel guilt for being a dick to me. Like with all the people that couldn't give a shit or the time of day to me when I lived in the same town as them, but when I move OMG! Everyone and their brother comes out of the woodwork to make sure I know they want to make me feel like shit unless I drop everything and have them come and stay with me even though I feel highly unstable and broke spending all my money on moving so I got to find a job ect...meanwhile, my mother wants to call me more often and make sure I feel like crap about myself, too, for not moving back to take care of her- even though it is like fucking expensive as shit there, too! Then so many people I hadn't heard from in 20 years all being dicks to me! Everyone being SUCH FUCKING DICKS!! Like wtf, mahn!? It all reminded me of my childhood! And I was getting ready for the worst! For a bunch of them to gang up on me and start kicking my shins and spitting on me....just like in grade school. Then the therapist said that it sounded like people were bullying me and that confirmed my feelings on the matter. Yup, it is a fact, people were bullying me (and still kind of are). Just because it wasn't as physical doesn't mean it wasn't bullying. But people love to bully me so it is probably a good idea for me not to go out and be around people that much. I think it might even be best I keep most everyone at acquaintance level friends. Hey, I don't care if it makes me less worthwhile to people and they nominate me to die first or whatever. I accept my place in this world as a person of lesser social standing and worth to most people. But also I don't have to like it and I don't have to be around people so much if I don't want. I do love hiking by myself. No bullies right now...but I can feel them trying to stay bullies. Got to make me struggle if I don't do enough for them, right? Bad enough the gov wants to make me struggle without all the bullies making crap hard for me, too! At least I got school and now these kids do NOT bully me! Who knew college would have less bullies than out here trying to just work and get by?! It has been quite a relief.
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