Coping part 2

 Been one of those days. I can't move much today. I feel like a ton of bricks and totally worthless. Trying to keep it to myself as best I can. Getting my meds right has not been easy. I can't keep track of my thoughts well since there is so much to do and I keep fuckin up today on simple things like remembering to brush my teeth. Am I getting dementia? I have been to the doc a lot lately so I don't think so. I will ask next visit. Think positive for myself because it is no one else's responsibility to do so. No one else can make me be confident in myself. Although, it certainly does help to stay away from those who like to make you feel crappy about yourself. But it seems these days people are hung up on making others feel like shit. As if they don't have enough problems, right? But still, they like others to feel more misery it seems. They would rather cause misery to others than spend that energy making their own life safer and better. There are A LOT of people who have too much fun bullying others or making them feel like shit about themselves. MY MOTHER tried so hard to TOUGHN me up for this shit! Hey, that's just the way it is for us....it is our curse...and it is weird because ya know...it is a cycle. People expect you to be a POS because you were born poor and look a certain way and speak a certain way. People love to hone in and bully to make themselves feel better or like my therapist said "to take the attention off themselves". I have always done that, I spose....caught attention. I am a magnet for people ready to put someone down! Even people from years ago cannot resist. There is just something about me, I guess. Some days I do wonder how bad it will get! I am done being around people who want to make me feel bad about being me! I AM DONE!! So, coping, it has been quite a ride with the coping - GRAB- remember how much MOM loved yelling in a mean way "how does that GRAB ya!!!?" whenever she got many of her big ONE OVERS on me? Trying to say that word so much that it doesn't bother me- making it humorous- ya- humorous! Ya ya! Grab! HAAHAA! Mom ya really did grab me, huh? YUP! literally she really loved grabbing and yanking my arms about quite a bit, it seemed! Spit and her bad coffee brandy and cigarette breath is causing me to have stomach pain now. Made me so lacking in confidence I can barely move some days. But I am getting better. Hey! A Lot better than if I was drinking. I am soooo proud of myself even if others are not! I have done A LOT! Of course, I still have to deal with the occasional person talking about drinking and I do it, too, but no drinking for me! I do NOT care how much people like to play on that rope a dope there! It is so weird how much drinking keeps coming back around, too! O geesh I am so boring and worthless to other people when I don't drink I need my every single move micro managed! Ug- remember that partner? Boy, did that one really want to tell me every little move to make! It got so insane! I can not be around people that want to control me that much! But people do that- whether with bullying or messing with or just flat out micro-managing your every move. Even to want confrontation- I can't stand that type of controlling behavior! The only way to cope with that is to find a way to get away from the person wanting to control you so bad. That can be really hard and scary because they have fun putting you down and controlling you- because they do not think you deserve to live the best way you can. People love to prey on the vulnerable, too, because it is their source glee. People want others to be or become homeless so they can make them the demons. In order for me to accumulate some sort of confidence I need to not hang out with people that make me feel like crap about myself.