Thoughts Away!

 

Grabbing some of them positive thoughts this morning. End of the semester and I think I got more A's. Pretty proud of myself. I actually found what I am good at, I think. It is interesting to think that back in HS I was good at stuff like this also but I just got accepted as a friend more into the art community so that's the way I went. I was never that good at art stuff, but thinking back I was really good at science stuff. Art did help me cope for awhile until it kinda didn't. You have to be a salesman to be an artist. I am NOT! And although I will also not be good on selling climate change or the environment I can still go out in the fields and woods and do fun sciencey stuff. The above pic of this Eddy covariance flux tower is the instrument that measures CO2 in our atmosphere. I think it is neat. Even though I am interested in all this I still like to draw occasionally. I would like to get another tissue of BRM out soon with all the stuff I have learned in school. So much butt stuff in biology! BOLOL! 

As far as my therapy and new meds...I think it is going to be an interesting experience moving forward. I will soon get to the point where I can be around people that don't want to hear my problems again. I guess that is my niche in society, I noticed. That whenever I hang out with people they have to be basic level- acquaintances- since basically that is what most of them have been. The type where I get to listen to their problems and just maybe say a few basic comforting words. Kinda like how I am treated? BOL! No, people usually tell me they don't want to hear it or they shut me down with their WAYYY worse problems and making me feel like I don't matter to them. People just like to talk at me, I noticed. And many times they like to say shit to sort of throw me off to make me feel like I don't know what the fuck is going on. That tends to happen whenever I am excited about talking about anything. Like school- I often get shut down or made to feel like crap if I talk about that, too, bol. It is interesting power plays humans have. The immense egos so that I can't possibly know anything cuz- ya know....other people all know better than me! Doesn't do much for my self esteem- so, I always feel sucky around people since I place everyone else on this pedestal of knowing more than me. Doesn't help in the suicidal thoughts department...always being made to feel inferior. Afterall, it is an ultra competitive world! I must be crushed or made into everyone elses' servant, huh? That makes me feel like killing myself some days. I just can't help it. I have had a few offers of help but some don't feel right or most don't- especially since they have not really wanted to be that close of friends before and were never really anyone I have ever felt I can go to with my problems. It is weird looking back over myself and my friendships over the years and how really most were just acquaintances I did stuff for from helping move, to listening to them bitch about work and relationships, to giving them $$ (for their electric bill-they would say, bol)- so much $$ I gave and my time and my SPACE! And the only time I could bitch about my problems was if I provided a space and drugs and booze or so it seemed. Most partners would even tell me to stfu about it, too. I had nowhere and no one after I went sober, it seemed. Even now, I get people that just come up to me that I hardly know and they unload all their problems on me. I find myself saying "sorry you are going through that" quite often. And that I better not talk about anything about myself at all. My niche- where I better just be someone else's fixture to yell at. I better be someone who can take being put down because I never give enough time or $$. And people are constantly pushing to just make me a shell of a servant to them. 

It is so weird how much people want to push the people they know as in need on me. They think that it is best I take in their friend(s) of whom Idk in and take care of them now when I feel so unstable!? It is so weird. Especially when they have a house that they own and all- so weird! These people who don't know me are really trying hard to get me to have tons of room mates even though I can hardly take care of myself anymore. I guess it is funny to them to make me homeless along with my partner? Ya, I am beginning to think maybe I never had any real friends at all....no, I get mad and should not say that. I do have some good friends who have stuck through my crap! I just feels so mad lately and I mean many friends have made me feel guilty for not doing enough so....what kind of friends are those anyways? Always making me feel bad about myself. Why dwell on those people? Only think about the good friends who have been there and not shoved me aside as being "inferior" in problems and the way I am. Friends are supposed to make you feel good about yourself.

Crash Outsider

 Welp. don't think I will be getting any sleep tonight. Seeing the documentary I saw earlier really got my head realin. Thoughts about my parent's fighting it really stirred up. I thought a few times my mom would wind up dead or my brother.. or even myself. That look on step dad's face- "YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT!!". Ya, I sure was gaslit a lot! I had a good cry. Had me thinking about a lot with my mother and her journey. How she grew up so abused and tossed around. It's so sad how there are people that prey on the vulnerable so much. It makes it hard to trust anyone. My mother's story is so far away. Everyone's story is so different yet the same. My emotions make me feel crazy. Like this society has no room for someone as emotional as me. There is so much...the thoughts of that friend of my mom...of whom I never met. That was weird af. So, this lady never gave me the time of day when I was with my mom as a kid and wanted to talk to me after mom died? I never even knew about her til a few years before mom died. It is so hard trying to be strong about all this. I can't talk to anyone really. Trying to solve other people's problems to bury my own doesn't work at all anymore. But I have such guilt about this. Maybe I should keep trying to live that way. Just buried in other people's problems I will never be able to solve and then have them pile more on me and make me crushed into the ground and without anything left. All to 'see how I fight'. Like the giant guinea pig that I am. See me fight like a nobody. Win-lose-win-lose...trying not to call myself a loser is so hard. How to gain confidence. For some of us it is harder than others. I just thought about the various people who have told me to "go ahead and kill myself!". I can't believe I am still here after those times!

Pea Sprouts and Madness

 I did want to post pics of my pea sprouts today, but I need to organize my pics first and all that. I was just punching myself in the head a couple minutes ago, but now I have calmed down by thinking about the peas I planted. I am excited that a couple have germinated so far! But alas this morning I was pretty sad about things and felt like a wicked dumby about existing. I guess I was sitting through about two hours of the same old media crap about the same old gross people. Maybe I will come back later and bitch more.

Bitch Bitch bitch! Everyone hates to hear me bitch! I am so annoying to others when I hang out. Hanging out? Idk anymore. I think I get annoyed hanging out with people for more than an hour these days. Just sitting there and listening to other people's more important problems can wear on ya, I guess. Of course, that depends on my mood. I think I am just exhausted with all the crap lately and real moody. Sometimes I ask myself how I even still have any friends. I can't keep up with everyone else's problems enough or even my own!

Bawk Around! Could it be?

 Wow! Another semester down and let's hope I can graduate soon. Try'n not to let other things bother me about trying to get an education. Like how addicted I am to good grades now when to everyone else that sort of talk is trivial. I taint their kid, bol! No, but contending with the old guilt is a rough balls along with the way the world is going now. Guilt of what? That I should have just never moved from where I was born? My mom dying and her not wanting me to talk to my brother? There is a lot I am learning about my mother's behaviors through this new therapist. She really gets to the point. Like I had to ask about all the weird little lies she planted on us. The odd ones that seemed to cause some drama and arguments. Because the information isn't really all that unimportant and has caused some issues with me in my life. Maybe I will come back later and talk about this but it has been more enlightening to know why these weird seemingly little lies have caused some pain in my life. It is even harder to explain, too, so why do I even bother. "Nobody wants to hear that shit" right? It's good to write some of it out here instead of bogging people in my life down about it. I just hope no one is really reading this crap. I mean it says some people have, which is odd. I did put the adult warning on it. I guess if I really wanted privacy I could write a .doc right? Why do I need to write this out even? Why not find another outlet? All these thoughts and more later on fart tv.

Kid Stuff, Science and my 6th Grade Science teacher

 I was just pondering way too much this morning, ass usual. Pondering about whenever my therapist asks about my support system, my childhood and friendships over the years along with my self esteem. I have never been charismatic when it comes to relationships with people. I was hated as a kid- and often hit and called names by other kids and to adults(even my parents) I was really annoying. No one seemed to want me around. So, I spent A LOT of time around nature and animals. I loved watching spiders in the grass (I recall a big yellow spider being one of King Squeaky and I's best friends in our grassland field castle. Those times were wonderous. I could get away from people that way and heal. I didn't know it then but I think that is how I survived my childhood. 

6th Grade was a time of change for me. This smelly kid who wore hand-me-downs from the 60s and 70s was actually getting straight A's in science. I was blowing the teacher's minds! BOLOL! They wanted me to be dumb because I was poor and smelly! But no, my 6th grade science teacher was actually a decent human being looking back at him! Most of the teachers got in digs and often brushed me off and I would even go as far as say they were cruel!! Like my kinder garden teacher she locked me out of the classroom after recess! Wpw! Thinking about that now I was a kid and I blamed myself for that cuz I was so spaced out climbing the top of a snowbank I didn't notice anyone was gone or the teacher yelling or anything! I was crawling the top of that snowbank so I know they saw me up there! I was not hidden! They chose not to come get me and they LOCKED me out of the classroom even! When I had realized I was outside alone I went and knocked on the classroom door and no one answered for what felt like forever to my 5yo mind! I was 5 fucking years old for fucks sake! But no- the gaslighting of how bad I was as a kid really took its toll on me! There was various SA occurrences around this time. too, not at school but with adults and teen babysitters. People loved messing with this little kid here and it sucked! Anyways, the teacher was at least trying with me! He saw something no one else had and was trying to encourage me but no one else was! My step-dad almost punched that teacher during a parent-teacher meeting for saying I was "socially behind". I didn't know what that meant and when I found out I still didn't understand it and thought it was stupid! Yes, down on myself me thought that was "stupid" for once and not myself! BOLOL! Gawd my parents were triggered! I think they might have beat me soon after that. They wanted me to do good in school but they didn't. It was very confusing. But no, I understand now that being "socially behind" was a bad look on their parenting and that made them angry! They didn't like having to spend money on the things that would help me be more socially acceptable. Looking back I see why the other kids hated me....I didn't have the coolest new toys or the hippest attire! It is weird how much capitalism really causes some terrible shit to happen to kids. I was bullied at one point to where I thought I may die....going to school...I had to since it was better than staying home...I would get on that bus and every morning no one on the bus wanted me to sit with them- they would shove me out of the seats and spit on me screaming insults at me and calling me names. And the bus driver would yell at me, too, to sit down or we wouldn't go! So every morning I would cry and cry and cry on my way to school! One time while living at this same house (O living here was almost the worst shit ever to happen to me)- I didn't have much clothes and I usually had to get myself ready for school at this point and my mom went off on me for wearing my only clean clothes! It was bad. Idk...my hands are tired. and I need to get my cool lab hmwrk done now! Maybe more later. Venting out a little too much!

The Professor is Alright and so is ButtRag

Might as well put up the new ButtRagMag cover here also. I want to get this done this year. I think it is #15, butt I should go through my archives to see. Everything is all jumbled up and stuff and I don't recall where the Bonerators left off either. So, that comic may have to doo something else in this tissue. Like a short ad or interview might be what I will do with those characters. We'll see. Got a lot of other material for this tissue anyways. Gonna see how this tissue fairs here. Afterall, part of the fun of this zine is putting it in bar bathrooms anonymously. So, it is purely an expression of love and madness! BOLOLOL! I am excited to put all the new material in there and this weekend write up the intro or editor's note. I need to work on my lab for my ecology today and tomorrow (which is also fun)! I am liking that I am finding more ButtRag material through school! Oof I just let a big stinker! BOLOLOL! It has been quite a journey! 

    O and boy am I glad I wrote the email to the professor. He replied and said some very insightful things. He did admit that he was trying something to get me to engage more or to try to get others to engage, too, and that it sometimes does not work. No, I understand why some teachers do things, but when you got anxiety and all it can be a bit weird. It is true not many people speak up in lectures and all. Do we all have anxiety? Maybe so. There are only about 5 of us in a class of about 70 that speak out and ask questions. Nobody else cares to say that something must be wrong with them for not asking questions, right? Afterall, if we all asked questions there wouldn't be time for the professor to lecture! But I feel sad that the last two lectures he didn't ask us questions at all or even take the time to ask us if we had any. I hope that is not because of me and my dang email! I think I will go have a look at my reply again (o no, here I go again- maybe a spiral). I hope I didn't sound to mean or whatnot, bol. I often make shit worse when I speak of these things....bol.

 

Professors, messing with and ecology

 https://youtu.be/kSctr0aQOso?si=k-X5F4GIzDxtrlUD

So, I just got done writing an email to my ecology professor about what happened in class the other day. I really try to keep this "sensitive" shit to myself these days because "no one wants to hear it" but I just couldn't get over this- even if I am proven wrong for feeling this way- ass usual, bol! So, the other day in class there were presentations and after each there are questions and I went ahead and forced myself to ask one even with terrible anxiety. Part of it was also because no one else was asking questions either. So, I asked how they- the presenters- felt about beavers in the desert. This was because I had watched a video similar to the one above and it had popped in my head. So, I went ahead and asked how they felt about beavers in the desert. What got me about this and looking back on it all was that not only did one guy who was in the group presenting say "there are no trees in the desert" but also the professor. So, I sat there choking a bit with anxiety with my brain having the files flying looking for the answer to my questions about the videos I had watched on the matter....and I got out a little squeak of an "ok" in acceptance of both their answers that they both seemed to repeat 3 or 4 times to me! It was really weird! I felt so crazy! And I felt even crazier after coming home and finding the videos. When I googled there was 100s of articles and videos that came up on this matter even! So, I rewatched a few and yup, I wasn't "IMAGINING IT"! BOLOL! So, I got a bit upset by this. But then was like "well, it should be water under the bridge- I got the location of this wrong in my head anyways and all ...." trying to justify not writing the email still. BUT THEN....BUT THEN BOLOLOL! I was going over the slides for the quiz and low and behold there was a slide on TREES IN THE DESERT!!! FROM THAT PRESENTATION! I felt even DUMBER for accepting their answer! But not only that- thinking of this now- the person who made that slide for that presentation didn't even correct the guy in their group for answering the way he did nor did the professor! Were they all messing with me? Do they not respect me enough to give me even a thought of giving me the right answer in front of anyone? Does everyone in the class want me to be a fool? I mean they ALL saw the slide on desert trees and didn't say anything? I am so beside myself right now! I feel so crazy about this and really I shouldn't? I guess I am glad I got google blogger so I don't make anyone mad on fb writing shit like this there. No one wants to read this! BOLOL! But ya, there ARE trees in the desert and there has been beavers in the desert, too! I am just so beside myself now! It makes me wish I could where a t-shirt to the next class saying "there are no trees in the desert". So, I am still trying really hard to deal with how people mess with me but I really wasn't expecting being messed with like that in front of the whole class. It really felt inappropriate actually. Now maybe some kids in class might not know they were messing with me either...maybe? They also think there are no desert willows or cottonwoods in the desert now because the right answer was never brought up! So weird the extent people will go to to make me feel so dumb it is weird!!! Is it the white boy snow flake thing or what? A women with a certain look and age MUST be fucked with in class I guess! Like really? I am beside myself. So, let's see if he even answers my email or if he is going to make me feel worse for writing it! What kind of scientists are out there? Will I be able to fit in the ecology world? Or am I just too stupid for any job out there? Was I just supposed to stay in my home town and marry one of my cousins and pop out 5-10 kids like the current regime makes me feel that is what we are going back to. I better just suck it up and carry on with a smile that I will always be messed with by people due to the way I look. People just can't help themselves. I often have to force myself to be out there even if it mean people want to make me uncomfortable. 

O mahn I just had a thought about something that made me laugh so hard. What if I just come into next class dressed like a ho? Just let the puppies hang the fuck on out and let everyone gossip their little hearts out! Hey, if I am going to be disrespected like I am a ho I might as well dress like one, huh? Really disrupt the class! Bah...probably backfire somehow, like anything I do seems to. Probably best to just let this sit until my next appt with my councilor. Just had to get this out now. Like damn do I feel so weird and dumb right now with feelings!