Welp. don't think I will be getting any sleep tonight. Seeing the documentary I saw earlier really got my head realin. Thoughts about my parent's fighting it really stirred up. I thought a few times my mom would wind up dead or my brother.. or even myself. That look on step dad's face- "YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT!!". Ya, I sure was gaslit a lot! I had a good cry. Had me thinking about a lot with my mother and her journey. How she grew up so abused and tossed around. It's so sad how there are people that prey on the vulnerable so much. It makes it hard to trust anyone. My mother's story is so far away. Everyone's story is so different yet the same. My emotions make me feel crazy. Like this society has no room for someone as emotional as me. There is so much...the thoughts of that friend of my mom...of whom I never met. That was weird af. So, this lady never gave me the time of day when I was with my mom as a kid and wanted to talk to me after mom died? I never even knew about her til a few years before mom died. It is so hard trying to be strong about all this. I can't talk to anyone really. Trying to solve other people's problems to bury my own doesn't work at all anymore. But I have such guilt about this. Maybe I should keep trying to live that way. Just buried in other people's problems I will never be able to solve and then have them pile more on me and make me crushed into the ground and without anything left. All to 'see how I fight'. Like the giant guinea pig that I am. See me fight like a nobody. Win-lose-win-lose...trying not to call myself a loser is so hard. How to gain confidence. For some of us it is harder than others. I just thought about the various people who have told me to "go ahead and kill myself!". I can't believe I am still here after those times!
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