https://youtu.be/kSctr0aQOso?si=k-X5F4GIzDxtrlUD
So, I just got done writing an email to my ecology professor about what happened in class the other day. I really try to keep this "sensitive" shit to myself these days because "no one wants to hear it" but I just couldn't get over this- even if I am proven wrong for feeling this way- ass usual, bol! So, the other day in class there were presentations and after each there are questions and I went ahead and forced myself to ask one even with terrible anxiety. Part of it was also because no one else was asking questions either. So, I asked how they- the presenters- felt about beavers in the desert. This was because I had watched a video similar to the one above and it had popped in my head. So, I went ahead and asked how they felt about beavers in the desert. What got me about this and looking back on it all was that not only did one guy who was in the group presenting say "there are no trees in the desert" but also the professor. So, I sat there choking a bit with anxiety with my brain having the files flying looking for the answer to my questions about the videos I had watched on the matter....and I got out a little squeak of an "ok" in acceptance of both their answers that they both seemed to repeat 3 or 4 times to me! It was really weird! I felt so crazy! And I felt even crazier after coming home and finding the videos. When I googled there was 100s of articles and videos that came up on this matter even! So, I rewatched a few and yup, I wasn't "IMAGINING IT"! BOLOL! So, I got a bit upset by this. But then was like "well, it should be water under the bridge- I got the location of this wrong in my head anyways and all ...." trying to justify not writing the email still. BUT THEN....BUT THEN BOLOLOL! I was going over the slides for the quiz and low and behold there was a slide on TREES IN THE DESERT!!! FROM THAT PRESENTATION! I felt even DUMBER for accepting their answer! But not only that- thinking of this now- the person who made that slide for that presentation didn't even correct the guy in their group for answering the way he did nor did the professor! Were they all messing with me? Do they not respect me enough to give me even a thought of giving me the right answer in front of anyone? Does everyone in the class want me to be a fool? I mean they ALL saw the slide on desert trees and didn't say anything? I am so beside myself right now! I feel so crazy about this and really I shouldn't? I guess I am glad I got google blogger so I don't make anyone mad on fb writing shit like this there. No one wants to read this! BOLOL! But ya, there ARE trees in the desert and there has been beavers in the desert, too! I am just so beside myself now! It makes me wish I could where a t-shirt to the next class saying "there are no trees in the desert". So, I am still trying really hard to deal with how people mess with me but I really wasn't expecting being messed with like that in front of the whole class. It really felt inappropriate actually. Now maybe some kids in class might not know they were messing with me either...maybe? They also think there are no desert willows or cottonwoods in the desert now because the right answer was never brought up! So weird the extent people will go to to make me feel so dumb it is weird!!! Is it the white boy snow flake thing or what? A women with a certain look and age MUST be fucked with in class I guess! Like really? I am beside myself. So, let's see if he even answers my email or if he is going to make me feel worse for writing it! What kind of scientists are out there? Will I be able to fit in the ecology world? Or am I just too stupid for any job out there? Was I just supposed to stay in my home town and marry one of my cousins and pop out 5-10 kids like the current regime makes me feel that is what we are going back to. I better just suck it up and carry on with a smile that I will always be messed with by people due to the way I look. People just can't help themselves. I often have to force myself to be out there even if it mean people want to make me uncomfortable.
O mahn I just had a thought about something that made me laugh so hard. What if I just come into next class dressed like a ho? Just let the puppies hang the fuck on out and let everyone gossip their little hearts out! Hey, if I am going to be disrespected like I am a ho I might as well dress like one, huh? Really disrupt the class! Bah...probably backfire somehow, like anything I do seems to. Probably best to just let this sit until my next appt with my councilor. Just had to get this out now. Like damn do I feel so weird and dumb right now with feelings!
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