Let me go on about what a marvel it was to finally see grandma's garden after so many years of my mother seemingly talking about it. She seemed to otherwise talk about grandma as a monster and hating us so much (I think mom said grandma also hated us all- not just me- although it felt like she just hated me or maybe it was me that it only bothered?). Idk...it seems like people want to constantly put me down anyways- trying to accept this about me and being around people is hard. There is also the fact that aspects of my looks makes people want to control me and put me down as well. It seems like a never ending battle. I wonder what battles my grandma had. She definitely had one with my mother. In piecing together my mom and grandma's life after mom died my uncle told me that he was too young to remember, but apparently grandma was a real a-hole to mom because she was not a boy. I find that weird that my mother didn't just come out and say that to me! But I think I know why- because she also wanted me to be a boy!!! That is why grandma hated me! Right? And that carried on to me being put down and hated by my mother and grandma- I simply was not a boy and OMG- my brother carried on this awful tradition! He kept having babies hoping for a boy and got 3 girls! O mahn, I am feeling guilt rn for not being there for those girls. I am such a fraidy cat and always doubting myself about everything. Hey, when you have girls just raise them to hate themselves and have no confidence, right? It is this system's way- make sure that we know we are dumb. Always better watch out and not say anything too smart or think about anything important but also- "don't speak unless it is important"-was what dear ol' step dad kept telling me at like 5yo and on.
I was just thinking- if I had me and my brother side by side and talking about our abuses I wonder who would get the most acknowledgement and support from people. Probably my brother would because he is a man. I was just thinking of an incident where I had told my bf at the time -or so I thought- about the x that knifed my leg. She didn't seem to want to acknowledge it or I really don't recall her reaction. I think it made me feel like she was blaming me for getting knifed or something. It was weird. It is so weird - like what is it about me? Am I supposed to just let people abuse and treat me like my pain is nothing all the time? I don't think I can handle it really especially when I have to often hear other people's problems all the time. It is such a terrible feeling to be deemed so inferior that I have to always listen to others problems and not say anything about my own ever. What kind of friendship is that? What was I? Some fucking wall people needed to talk to I suppose. Some one-sided wall where I just sat there and took it all on and would struggle to help as I would never do anything right and people would just exploit the shit out of me. Or at least that is what it has felt like. Make me feel bad- sad and mad! And O good- finally got the views to stop cuz it is going to get bad in this blog- maybe I will get into detail about the abuses? Nah....that is a bit much. But ya, the view count here bothers me a bit. Meaning I kind of actually do wonder who views my crap. But actually - whatever- I need to get this shit out. I just find it funny that most people don't want to hear it but they will secretly want to spy and view it...bol! Humans- ya know....
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