I was just sitting here thinking about how ridiculous our society is. White men want to make women inferior to them or they consider women inferior, right? But then they assign women the task of taking care of the children mostly- even the male children. It would seem to me taking care of children would be quite an important task that requires someone with a superior brain, wouldn't you think? I mean these are people we are talking about. Why are women considered so inferior yet assigned the task of raising another life? I think my grandmother and mother had become pretty mixed up with this crap. I say this because of the "wanting to have a boy" thing. It is weird to think back on but my mother didn't mention that to me. It was my uncle that did after mom passed. I should have put two and two together, though. I think I understand why mom didn't talk about that with me because she was kinda doing the some thing- hating me because I wasn't born a boy. I wanted to avoid writing about gender here, but it really did effect me growing up. I look back and see how poorly I was treated compared to my brother. But then again, he was treated quite poorly as well- but he did push the boundaries A LOT more than I did. Me, I tried to be good and even tried to find ways to help better and I was screamed at and put down for it! Meanwhile, my brother was stealing cars and mail and having the neighbors chase him down. My brother also enjoyed dragging me into his trouble quite often so I would get in trouble, too. I was considered responsible for him- so, I got beat, too when ever he did anything wrong. It sucked.
It was so weird talking to my mom before she passed as much as we did. She still liked getting in those bites to make me feel like shit about myself, of course. But I can't believe I actually bit back a couple times! It didn't make me feel that much better- probably cuz I don't like doing stuff like that much. I bit back on her immigration attacks! I had to. She sounded so cruel. That reminded me- she can be cruel. I recall telling her how it seemed like my brother liked getting me in trouble quite often and when she said "I know" I was just like- "What a fuckin crap mother!" in my head. And she would still punish me and beat me and she knew it! No wonder I fucken hate myself! I had no idea what was going on but they just loved punishing me for the fuck of it! WTF? No wonder I am suicidal! Geez! How to cope with this shit, huh? I think the worst night was when she hated picking me up from band practice at the school. That was a whole other weird thing, too! They didn't tell us if we signed up for band class we would have to stay after school or lose a letter grade. That was MESSED UP! So, mom didn't like having to pick me up from school EVER! Because she liked getting drunk at the bar instead- so she often forgot about me. Anyways, this one particular night she picked me up from band practice she was screaming her head off at me driving. I would let her scream until she screamed at me to say something for myself and she never ever liked that either and it often made her even madder at me so I just screamed "I FEEL LIKE KILLING MYSELF!!" and she said "GO RIGHT THE FUCK AHEAD!!" and guess what? I fucked opened that truck door as fast as I could and was on my way out but she really grabbed onto me and screamed "wtf are you doing!!??". Mahn, I really thought she wanted me to die so I thought I was doing her a favor and myself, too. But no, I had to live through her screaming at me! And hitting me and making me feel so worthless! What a fuckin cruel woman! I think I was about 15 at that time. It felt like she fuckin hated me! She hardly ever talked to me like I was a person. When she did, she would vent to me about how dear ol dad- later to find out -not my real dad- how he abused her and all her complaints about her friends and crapping shit like that. Boy, would she come up with some mean shit to say, too. "Stay away from the neighbors! They fuck sheep!" what a thing to say to your child about the people next door after they have been nice to you. At least I thought they were nice. Later I found out it was because they were gay. Figuring out that your family is basically a bunch of bigots was hard. Still hard for me to deal with- even though I don't talk to them anymore. I think all this has made it really hard for me to communicate with people. I am really sensitive about any negative words towards me- maybe because they can remind me of mom who would eventually beat me down? Idk. Life is hard. My mom had a hard life. No one wanted her- she was tossed around the family and put down by them A LOT! Apparently, grandma hated her and me, too, but mom loved making sure I knew grandma hated me. Coping with these thoughts head on finally has brought me a bit of clarity and strength, I think. Like geebis- I did survive A LOT! To be constantly put down growing up-and sometimes beaten for shit I didn't do- I think I was even beaten just because. The trying to constantly stay strong and not be able to talk about it when people talk about their shit just makes it worse. So, ya, I am so glad I am feeling like my problems and myself are actually worth something now. And ya, it is best I keep it to myself and just let people talk about their problems to me like mom used to. I feel good that I am getting to that place. I AM WORTH IT!! Just gotta keep telling myself that even when others make me feel like shit about myself. She was trying to toughn me up and it did the opposite. BOL! Goes to show- not everyone is the same! I bet she wished I turned out to be a cruel ass tough biker woman with 5 kids she could turn against me! Like she turned me against grandma- I guess- not really- just made me hate myself more instead of hate her. And when I finally did meet her- well- I was deathly afraid of her so I didn't dare speak cuz I was made to feel so dumb about myself existing!
Ya, Idk why I just keep going on about how cruel mom was RIP- she was treated badly as a child because she wasn't a boy and most likely also because she was born with darker features as well. No, not black, she could still pass for white but that Native American blood seemed to shine through with her a bit. The positive part of my mom was when she talked about this and nature. Eventually, though, that faded out. Probably because she was mocked for it- like I often get mocked when I talk about Native American culture. I think that sucks- all the negativity that mostly white people have towards the culture. But anyways, my mom was beat a lot over the years- by her parents and her husband. Boy, my step dad was violent-scary, too! They both were! Sometimes I can hear the shit flying and fists hitting like it was yesterday! Civilized? I don't think so. Superior? Not in my opinion.
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