Coping Pt 4

 Back to the bus bullying coping- one day when I was walking home I realized that maybe I have been taking the city bus for so long was to cope with the bus bullying as a kid? Cope with being poor and trying to tough'n myself up by taking the bus all these years, eh? BOLOL! Well, my parents didn't make it easy for me to get my driver's license. Back and forth- ask your father-ask your mother- while they were constantly fighting with each other didn't make it easy for me to "grow a spine!!". If only I was as tough as my parents wanted me to be. Ways of coping and the way I am in society just makes me exhausted. Jobs is where I have the toughest time- jobs where I have to serve the public is the hardest since my brain is slow with words. How to cope being around people when slow with words? Maybe just keep my positivity going for myself on the inside while people cut me down. Try to think of retort insults even if they are not witty? BOL! Try this- try that- the files of coping. About to do some letters that my therapist recommended. I think I should do them this week. I think writing here helps cope as well. 

I was just thinking of that time I was climbing the snow banks at school recess when I was about 5yo. Everyone hated me at that school. Lots of bullies. This was in the city. The bus bullies were not as bad- I had not encountered the really bad bus bullies yet. But the kids didn't like me in that class. So, I was climbing the snow banks and probably singing to myself in my own little world when I looked up and everyone was gone. I had not heard that gawd aweful bell? Thinking back on what I did next makes me wish I had thought of doing something else. Instead, what I did was run up to my classroom door and try to open it. It was locked. So, I knocked and stood there out in the cold. It seemed like no one came to open that door for awhile and I kept knocking. And it is really weird thinking back on this and how it felt like a long time before anyone answered- the door was to the classroom after all and my desk was pretty close to that door. That teacher hated me is all I can think- and also- she should NOT have been a teacher!! I was crawling across the top of the snowbanks and I know that everyone could see me! WTF?! But idk...I knew how to play super imagination time- so, I got yelled at A LOT for that!! Anyways, sometimes I think of that time and how worthless and just the MOST ultimate loser and was crying my eyeballs out! I think back on that time and wish I had just run away then! Fuck that school and its bullies-adults and kids!! I could have just taken off from that school that day and I don't think anyone would have cared! Ya, I was 5yo and in kinder garden but if only I just ran away! We all do those 'what-ifs'. They can be kinda fun to think about when trying to cope. Like where would I have run off to? I was 5yo! Ha!